Monday, September 26, 2005

I've been playing "good girl" all my life.

I've pretty much always done what I "should have" done--always doing the right thing. I'm not talking little things, I'm talking about the "big stuff"...In fact, I can think of only a few times in twenty years I've done the horribly wrong thing, which I don't think I regret even though it was wrong.

Pretty much following the rules, staying inside the lines. That's me. I'm not saying I'm perfect-anyone who knows me or who has read any post on my blog knows better. And I'm not saying I've never been tempted to do something "crazy" or "bad." But when temptations have presented themselves I've almost, mostly always passed on them, opting instead for the "right thing" or the "noble thing."

Well, honestly, all this nobility has got me to wondering what it would feel like to just leave everything. Get up without any notice, empty my bank account, and just go. And do something absolutely crazy. Do something that no one would ever guess I'd do, if I even told them I'd done it.

Just...what is it like to do sometihng foolish or crazy? What would it be like, for once, to not meet or exceed the expectations? Granted, my idea of "crazy" is nothing compared to what some people would do.

I'm not saying I'm unhappy with my life. I'd never really do any of the things I just talked about, because all of them would be irresponsible and there would surely be consequences I wouldn't like. I can't be anyone buy myself, and that's what I'm doing every day. But I still wonder, could I pull off being bad, irresponsible, or "naughty"?

I suppose there is only one way to find out. But I don't really wanna do that, now do I?

I mean what would the difference be... I'm already viewed as such by some idiot.

Too Much Information...

The more you know, the more you forget. Your brain can only hold so much information. To learn new info, you must forget something else. So, why is it that instead of forgetting the words to old songs, I forget things that might actually come in handy down the road....It would be okay if I was ever on a useless trivia show or ever asked the lyrics to old 80's rap songs, otherwise I should start forgetting this useless info.

Thursday, September 22, 2005

I've reached a point in my life that the demands on my life seems to exceed the supply that I have to offer. (Demand > Supply)

It's a frustrating feeling; overwhelming feelings of helplessness and weariness, that threaten to engulf no matter how much I try to push myself to increase the supply. As hard as I try, I can't seem to find the capacity to do more. This is such a poor state of things to find oneself in.

According to the laws of Economics, if Demand > Supply, the only way to re-balance the equation, to find harmony, is to either decrease the demand or to increase the supply.

It is difficult for me to pare down on what is already a simple life. What else is there for me to give up on; my sleep, my work? And the way society works, there is no way I can find any respite to my schedule unless I go live in some asylum.

The only other way is to increase the supply, so as to meet head-on the demands. So I just have to push a little harder, and a little harder, and a little harder, and one fine day, I'll realise that I've growna little stronger, a little wiser, with more capacity than before.

This is such an exercise in character building - in sacrificing, and giving up of oneself so as to accomplish greater things; in prioritizing. That's the thing about us humans. Sometimes we don't even realise what stuff we're made of, until a situation comes along that requires supernormal strength.

So the goal is...

From Demand > Supply...
To increase in Supply --> Demand = Supply

Monday, September 19, 2005

A Different Path...

I want to sleep, but I'm up right now. Not a good mix. That's when coffee really becomes my friend, just in case you're wondering. I love artificial energy.

Have you ever wondered before (of course you have) how how life would have been if you had made different choices?

I do all the time. What if I hadn't gone to Stonybrook? What if I went to NYU or Penn State? What if I had joined a sorority? Blah blah blah blah head is always filled with too many thoughts.

Do you think we make up the phrase "Things happen for a reason" to make ourselves feel better about the situations we're in?

None the less, I still believe in that phrase. I'm not unhappy where I am...I just have to wonder what it would have felt like to have a different life. YES...I am human.

I CANNOT believe all the work I have ahead of myself this semester. Orgo exam tomorrow night, so I should go back to studying for know, while I have this artificial energy and all.

Truth and Love

This weekend I thought a lot about the balance of Truth and Love and how these two virtues are often times at odds with each other.

I think it's most obvious when looking at the extremes of politics in America. Republican extremists (conservatives) are all about "Truth" and have the impression of banging it into everyone, and Democrat extremists (liberals) are all about "Love" and want to make sure that not one person is unloved/uncared for in the country even at the expense of what is right.

In looking at our own personal lives, I see that everyone tends to lean to one of these virtues more than the other. I look at myself and can see how I tend to lean more towards Love than Truth. If I'm honest with myself, I see spots of my life where I was willing to give up some Truth in favor of Love. I didn't want certain people to not feel good about themselves so I was willing to overlook some things that were not good/honest/right.

The most intersting part about Truth and Love being at odds with each other is that it shouldn't be this way. Truth should not be at odds with Love, instead Truth should be wrapped in Love. I think that a person who speaks the Truth with Love is able to set things straight while building a person up and giving them dignity about doing right.

I want to be that person.

Sunday, September 11, 2005

Looking back on the twenty years that I have lived, I have noticed some trends. As a young child we are full of innocence. We are unsure of the world and we see it as full of potential and intrigue. At some point that innocence is replaced by the angst of adolescence. That is a time when we begin to find flaws in ourselves and begin to see the world is not as inviting as we once thought. We still have our hopes and dreams and the future full of possibility. The angst of youth gives way to the cynicism of early adulthood. We have experienced pain that cause us to conceal, change, or lose some of those hopes and dreams. The passion and vigor of life begins to be dulled by the gray of reality. After every failure we lose more desire. After every rejection our drive lessens. After every loss the strain on our hearts increases. There comes a point where we no longer seek to find something better, but seek simply to avoid more turmoil.

All those dreams are memories. All life's happy memories are passages to something that no longer exists. I have heard it said that life is not about the end result, but about the journey. I no longer desire any part of the journey. I want no more part of hurt or loss. I do not want to find more reasons why I am not good enough. I am content to being alone. I need no one. At least I know I can only let myself down. I do not want to try. I won't try. I am resigned to participate in being the minimum. I will work. I will go home. I will sleep. And I will pray. Pray to able to trust again, but I doubt it will happen.

Everyone will let you down. I have nothing more to give anyone anymore.

Monday, September 05, 2005

No Wonder Why Bush Is Still President....

Nearly two-thirds of Americans are idiots.

Nearly two-thirds of Americans say that creationism should be taught alongside evolution in public schools.

Two-thirds of Americans aged 18-25 can't find New Jersey on a map. Even more of them can't find Iraq.

Two-thirds of Americans think we should televise executions.

Nearly two-thirds of Americans can't name any Supreme Court justices.


Saturday, September 03, 2005

Believe It Or NOT!

Halliburton hired for Hurricane Katrina clean up.

This is insult added to injury.

Cheney and his band of theives are going to profit from the hurricane?


Thursday, September 01, 2005

Having a day to think is never a good thing when you have sorrowful thoughts on your mind. I have such a desire to continue to have you a part of my life and to be a part of your life. I wonder, do you read this like I imagine you do? I challenge to look deep within yourself and find the strength you need to be happy. I hope you are also learning to trust God more. Trusting Him will take away the strength of all those "what if's" that float around in your head. After three nights of only two hours of sleep, I finally crashed last night and slept. It was a relief to my body to finally meet with decent sleep. It does not come close to the sleep I meet with after I talk to you. I wonder, do you try to escape thoughts of me as I do you? It is not an easy task. I still cant stop loving you. I believe that you are running from something that is truly special. I will not stop hoping that God brings us back together. I wonder, do you pray that He keeps us apart? I made you laugh once. You made me laugh as well. I need to laugh.