Tuesday, June 27, 2006

Sometimes I wonder what emotions would feel like if they were tangible. How would happiness and pleasure feel in my hands? I think it would probably be smooth and warm. It would likely feel like silk warmed by a mid-day sun. Anger would maybe feel like sharp rocks. Sadness, sand or gravel. Sadness. That is the emotion that haunts me more than any.

I have an intimate relationship with my emotions. My emotions are as valuable to me as breathing. My emotions are the lifeblood of my spirit. Even sadness. I've felt my share of sadness and I know all too well what it can do. At it's worst, sadness corrodes the soul. At it's best it provides the motivation necessary to venture forth in search of happiness. I have seen both ends of the spectrum. I've looked through both ends of the telescope.

I've spent a lifetime learning the magic that coexists in each of us. I've found myself attempting to discover ways to use that magic to take away the sadness of those close to me. I know it's not possible, yet I try anyway. Then I get that familiar visit while I'm sleeping and I hear a voice patiently explaining the balance life requires. "There can be no happiness without sadness. As with rain and thunder and lightning, there can be no sunshine and beautiful clouds. Without the moon there would be no tides, no gravity."

And so it goes. Without sadness there would be no happiness. Now that I have found the sands of sadness spilling out onto the warm silk of my happiness I'll sit quietly and wait for the winds of change to blow it gently away.

In case you were wondering....... the soft wind you feel caressing your face and teasing your sad eyes is the texture of laughter. My laughter, because you are so pathetic. May your dreams bring you smiles when your morning comes. I hope it's worth it.

I'm trying to dig deep into my inner happy person, but I think they went on vacation. I just want things to back to normal. What's normal? I want to hit the rewind button and press pause indefinitely.

Sometimes you just want to fast forward through your problems and pretend everything is okay. You try to sound somewhat chipper on the phone while your heart breaks. You want to say good-bye to old friends and old memories. You want to start a new, somewhere distant from today.

I hurt, and I keep pushing it down because that is simply what I do. Feelings like anger and pain aren't on the list of permissible attitudes. So I run to that place in my mind where I'm safe. Where I'm strong. Where everybody seems distant and nothing matters. A place where you are not vulnerable and no one gets a glimpse of your soul.

You remind yourself that something always gives and tomorrow will be different. Yet, it sounds hollow. But you push the hours and the days into a place where they can be forgotten. Where they become just one more painful memory that you won't talk about.

How many secrets must I keep?


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