Saturday, April 05, 2008

Two years later....

At the risk of sounding like a cliche, I can't believe it has been a year and half since I've last posted on my blog. There was a point of time after I first started writing this blog, that I used to post everyday, maybe even twice a day. It was my refuge, my only way to really center my thoughts and feelings at a very confusing stage in my life. It also, in some way, allowed me to keep a bridge to a part of my past that I was so desperately trying to get over but hung on to with dear life.

It's absolutely mind boggling what a few days, weeks or months can give to or take away from a person. As I look back on most of my posts, I truly see how far I've progressed. Two years later, I can honestly say I have learned to cross that bridge that I thought I would never get over. I am not going to say I'm a completely different person than that girl who wrote those posts that now sound horribly desperate and downright annoying, because at that point in time that was how I was feeling.

If I try to make myself remember the memories from that time in my life, I might rediscover those horrible feeling and restart that vicious cycle that I've been trying to avoid. But then again I might not, because I really have become stronger. I've learned to look for other things, and have re-directed my life to making myself better. I won't say "I've crossed that bridge and will never look back," because that too will be a lie. I do look back, often even. I do wonder "what if?" just like every other normal human being (if normal can be applied to anyone).

During the last few years and especially towards the end of college I had felt like I was stuck in a weird sort of inertia. I wasn't really focusing on my future or what I needed to get done to get to my goals. I don't think I even really knew what my goals were. I didn't really get that wake up call until I graduated and moved back home and thought crap what do I do now? It took me a while but I finally figured it out.

Ambition, Drive, Sense of Accomplishment - that's what life is all about for us right? The Educated Generation XYZ of the Modern Age with the Limitless Future??

In my culture as a girl, after you graduate undergrad, you have one of two options. Option A: get a job and get married or Option B: go to Grad school and get married. Now for me neither of those options looked too appetizing due to the fact that I was an emotional mess and could not even THINK of the word marriage, let alone an arranged one. I had thought I would take some time off and then go to med school. But I never thought about what I would do during that time off or that living with my parents would mean endless access of my family to hound me with marriage every second they got.

So I decided to test the waters with Graduate classes. I signed up for three Graduate Biology classes that I would never have previously attempted; Genetics, Immunology and Evolution. I had a fairly unfavorable track record with upperdivision science classes due to my lack of focus and drive in undergrad; thus my taking "time off before med school". However, after I moved back home I felt a certain upgrade in my study habits and actually pulled off a perfect 4.0 while working 30 hours a week as a Dental assistant. This completely confirmed my passion to go to medical school.

Now I had to attempt the MCATS and then wait the year and half to even start medical school. I didn't want to wait anymore. It was actually pretty funny because I wanted time off to realize what I wanted. But as soon as I realized, I was in a rush to just start it already. So I decided to apply for the Carribeans. Although I would have loved to attend medical school in the states, I have opted for more favorable climates and will be attending Medical University of the America's in September. I am ubberly excited and extremely frightened but completely ready to embark on this new life of mine.

So has this medical school thing brushed off the never-ending questions of when I will get married? I wish!!! If anything, it's brought up more now! "You will get too old before you graduate, you must get married before you go!" "You will be a girl in a foreign land alone you must get married before you go!" But then there are the others that believe in the old "Find yourself a nice doctor boy there and you will be fine."

I sacrificed my dedication to school in pursuit of something I thought would make me happy and got burned. Then I learned from it, moved on and up to re-building my goals and now its full circle back to the same place. Is working your butt of to achieve something not worth anything unless you have someone to share it with?

Now I sit here again and wonder about the facts of life. Is it really about Ambition, Drive and Accomplishment or does finding the perfect person that completes you what it's all about? And how come I can't find the balance?


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