Taking Responsibility

most people never like to take responsibility for anything negative. i wish i didn't have to either. it sucks that i do, and it sucks that i am only human after all, and it fucken sucks that i have made mistakes really huge mistakes that will fuck up everything. i cant seem to ever do anything right. im just such a terrible person. my mistake should never have happened because it happened to many times before and i promised myself and other people that it would never happen agian. but it did. and it hurts. its hurts me. and it will hurt people that i dont want to hurt. everything hurts, i am in too much pain to even think coherently, well thats always but tonite lets blame everything on the bruised heart. in an ideal world i shouldn't be hurt but its not an ideal world and i am hurting a lot. its all my fault. it would have been easier to know that things didn't go bad because of me. when u r the one to be blamed, its only natural to feel like shit. i can' t think. i cant stop crying. i cant stop hurting. i feel like this bundle of pressure is pushing on my head. i cant see clearly. i just feel like a puddle of mess. then i can't cry anymore. i just need to sleep, sleep it off right? i wish there was such a thing as sleeping off the pain. i wish i never had to grow up. i wish i never had to feel this pain. and i wish nobody had to feel this pain. and i wish i wasnt the cause of someone's else's pain. i wish that these wishes would come true. but it wont. my pain wont go away. my mistake wont miraculously dissappear. people are still gonna be hurt. and its all my fault. all because im so stupid and i just dont know when to turn my back on someone. the someone who has walked all over my heart for so long over and over again. why cant i stop this someone from hurting me. why am i so fucking weak. its like deja vu and amnesia all over again. i keep letting this happen over and over again. i know i've done this before and felt the same hurt and cried the same rivers of tears day after day night after night for years. but then someone came into my life. a perfect stranger. oh what a gift this perfect stranger turned out to be. i pushed away and i pushed away but somehow i smiled again and i forgot that pain for two seconds. this perfect stranger helped me forget and get out of the darkest hole that i was in, and even though it was for like two seconds i appreciated it so much. but i became weak again because that perfect person turned around for a split second and fucked everthing up. and now that pain that i had has grown to an all time high. and its so much fuckin worse now because my pain that i had no control over before but had a chance to change is gonna be the cause of someone else's pain. someone who doesnt deserve to be hurt. someone who deserves the best in life. and thats not me. i am so stupid. i just want this to go away. i dont wanna be alone anymore. i dont wanna be hurt. and i dont wanna hurt people tjat really do care about me. im gonna lose a person whos been so great all because i cant turn my back to someone who never cared about me. someone needs to invent a time machine already. i just want time to quickly take away this pain and anger and tears.