Inna lillahi wa inna illahi raji'un....

On Friday May 16th, my grandmother, the most amazing person I have ever known, passed on.

May Subhanahu wa Ta'ala give her a place in Jannah and grant sabr to my family.

Please make dua for her.

Confessions of a Shopaholic....

I will now admit to something that I rarely ever take responsibility for.

I am a shopaholic.

Like every other warm blooded female in the world, I love to shop. Although adventures that end in clothing, shoes or accessory stores make my little heart pitter patter like a teenager in love, it does not even matter what I am shopping for, or even if I am shopping for myself.

Yes I am a shopaholic, but I am not one of those that will buy anything and everything types. I am a part of a specific breed of shopaholics that many claim to be a part of, but are truly just misinformed.

I am what many would refer to as the bargain hunter, but the correct form would be smart shopper. I will not, or possibly can not pass up a sale even if my life depended on it. It is nearly impossible for me to even describe the feeling of euphoria I have whenever I purchase an item that is completely amazing and rightfully overpriced, on a discount. I think that is what makes my world go round.

I did something today that I KNOW for a fact many women have done, but most won't admit to it. I opened my closet today and stared at my shoes. For a good twenty minutes. There is probably no justifiable reason for the love I have for my shoes, or why staring at them makes me feel so warm and gooey on the inside.

This post is going to make me sound very materialistic. But I don't care. Everyone has their vices, and mine just happens to be shopping and an obsession for shoes.

That is all. I have nothing further to say. Nothing intellectual at all. I probably just lost a brain cell or two by writing this post.

Two years later....

At the risk of sounding like a cliche, I can't believe it has been a year and half since I've last posted on my blog. There was a point of time after I first started writing this blog, that I used to post everyday, maybe even twice a day. It was my refuge, my only way to really center my thoughts and feelings at a very confusing stage in my life. It also, in some way, allowed me to keep a bridge to a part of my past that I was so desperately trying to get over but hung on to with dear life.

It's absolutely mind boggling what a few days, weeks or months can give to or take away from a person. As I look back on most of my posts, I truly see how far I've progressed. Two years later, I can honestly say I have learned to cross that bridge that I thought I would never get over. I am not going to say I'm a completely different person than that girl who wrote those posts that now sound horribly desperate and downright annoying, because at that point in time that was how I was feeling.

If I try to make myself remember the memories from that time in my life, I might rediscover those horrible feeling and restart that vicious cycle that I've been trying to avoid. But then again I might not, because I really have become stronger. I've learned to look for other things, and have re-directed my life to making myself better. I won't say "I've crossed that bridge and will never look back," because that too will be a lie. I do look back, often even. I do wonder "what if?" just like every other normal human being (if normal can be applied to anyone).

During the last few years and especially towards the end of college I had felt like I was stuck in a weird sort of inertia. I wasn't really focusing on my future or what I needed to get done to get to my goals. I don't think I even really knew what my goals were. I didn't really get that wake up call until I graduated and moved back home and thought crap what do I do now? It took me a while but I finally figured it out.

Ambition, Drive, Sense of Accomplishment - that's what life is all about for us right? The Educated Generation XYZ of the Modern Age with the Limitless Future??

In my culture as a girl, after you graduate undergrad, you have one of two options. Option A: get a job and get married or Option B: go to Grad school and get married. Now for me neither of those options looked too appetizing due to the fact that I was an emotional mess and could not even THINK of the word marriage, let alone an arranged one. I had thought I would take some time off and then go to med school. But I never thought about what I would do during that time off or that living with my parents would mean endless access of my family to hound me with marriage every second they got.

So I decided to test the waters with Graduate classes. I signed up for three Graduate Biology classes that I would never have previously attempted; Genetics, Immunology and Evolution. I had a fairly unfavorable track record with upperdivision science classes due to my lack of focus and drive in undergrad; thus my taking "time off before med school". However, after I moved back home I felt a certain upgrade in my study habits and actually pulled off a perfect 4.0 while working 30 hours a week as a Dental assistant. This completely confirmed my passion to go to medical school.

Now I had to attempt the MCATS and then wait the year and half to even start medical school. I didn't want to wait anymore. It was actually pretty funny because I wanted time off to realize what I wanted. But as soon as I realized, I was in a rush to just start it already. So I decided to apply for the Carribeans. Although I would have loved to attend medical school in the states, I have opted for more favorable climates and will be attending Medical University of the America's in September. I am ubberly excited and extremely frightened but completely ready to embark on this new life of mine.

So has this medical school thing brushed off the never-ending questions of when I will get married? I wish!!! If anything, it's brought up more now! "You will get too old before you graduate, you must get married before you go!" "You will be a girl in a foreign land alone you must get married before you go!" But then there are the others that believe in the old "Find yourself a nice doctor boy there and you will be fine."

I sacrificed my dedication to school in pursuit of something I thought would make me happy and got burned. Then I learned from it, moved on and up to re-building my goals and now its full circle back to the same place. Is working your butt of to achieve something not worth anything unless you have someone to share it with?

Now I sit here again and wonder about the facts of life. Is it really about Ambition, Drive and Accomplishment or does finding the perfect person that completes you what it's all about? And how come I can't find the balance?

It was always on the cards, it had happened before it had to happen again, you had to move on to your new life but there was that slight hope no matter how unrealistic it seemed, that we may not say goodbyes this time. And I knew, I knew that this would happen and It is all for good but I am struggling to accept it atleast for now. Maybe because I am selfish, maybe because I am bad in making compromises. Maybe because I know that I will have to once again fight on my own and not with your words to motivate me. But its okay. I've been on my own, the ways I got used to once I will need to get used to them again. I will have to be my friend again.

Its all good in the hood.

The life of a Spectator

Don't you ever see things in passing that makes you wonder "What's that all about?" A couple quarreling in a restaurant, a man running down a crowded sidewalk, a women weeping as she hails a cab - we all see all these fragments of other people's life stories as we pursue our own. And i often get sidetracked by those fragments and try to fill them in, imagine what led to that moment and what might happen next. Maybe its the hidden writter in me. Or Maybe its because its easier than attending to my own fragments.

Sometimes I wonder what emotions would feel like if they were tangible. How would happiness and pleasure feel in my hands? I think it would probably be smooth and warm. It would likely feel like silk warmed by a mid-day sun. Anger would maybe feel like sharp rocks. Sadness, sand or gravel. Sadness. That is the emotion that haunts me more than any.

I have an intimate relationship with my emotions. My emotions are as valuable to me as breathing. My emotions are the lifeblood of my spirit. Even sadness. I've felt my share of sadness and I know all too well what it can do. At it's worst, sadness corrodes the soul. At it's best it provides the motivation necessary to venture forth in search of happiness. I have seen both ends of the spectrum. I've looked through both ends of the telescope.

I've spent a lifetime learning the magic that coexists in each of us. I've found myself attempting to discover ways to use that magic to take away the sadness of those close to me. I know it's not possible, yet I try anyway. Then I get that familiar visit while I'm sleeping and I hear a voice patiently explaining the balance life requires. "There can be no happiness without sadness. As with rain and thunder and lightning, there can be no sunshine and beautiful clouds. Without the moon there would be no tides, no gravity."

And so it goes. Without sadness there would be no happiness. Now that I have found the sands of sadness spilling out onto the warm silk of my happiness I'll sit quietly and wait for the winds of change to blow it gently away.

In case you were wondering....... the soft wind you feel caressing your face and teasing your sad eyes is the texture of laughter. My laughter, because you are so pathetic. May your dreams bring you smiles when your morning comes. I hope it's worth it.


I'm trying to dig deep into my inner happy person, but I think they went on vacation. I just want things to back to normal. What's normal? I want to hit the rewind button and press pause indefinitely.

Sometimes you just want to fast forward through your problems and pretend everything is okay. You try to sound somewhat chipper on the phone while your heart breaks. You want to say good-bye to old friends and old memories. You want to start a new, somewhere distant from today.

I hurt, and I keep pushing it down because that is simply what I do. Feelings like anger and pain aren't on the list of permissible attitudes. So I run to that place in my mind where I'm safe. Where I'm strong. Where everybody seems distant and nothing matters. A place where you are not vulnerable and no one gets a glimpse of your soul.

You remind yourself that something always gives and tomorrow will be different. Yet, it sounds hollow. But you push the hours and the days into a place where they can be forgotten. Where they become just one more painful memory that you won't talk about.


How many secrets must I keep?

So I am still a fucking doushe.

A STUPID FUCKING GIRL.

I still am.


I let it happen again. All the strength that I built up, I let it fucking crash to the ground. Didn't even get a sincere apology. After all that he hurt me with I thought he would realize how much he hurt me and at least apologize for it. But like always, i fuckin forgive him before he asks and accept him for whatever, flaws included. So he doesnt even apologize, and somehow it gets twisted, and I'm the one left fucking aplogizing. WOW, what a fucking moron I am. He is completelly right. I am a fucking moron.

And just when I thought, maybe, maybe, he'll be there for me this time and he showed progress. gave me information and the little bit of confidence i needed. and i was like u know wut, everything im so scared of in the future might not be so bad cause he can be a really good friend when he wants to be. he game a lil encouragement...which i dont get alot....at all really from anyone... and then POOF he fucking goes bipolar again.

FUCK IT.

FUCK THIS.

FUCK everything...

I'm just waiting till God takes me away from my pathetic existence.

Girl #1: Where is SUNY Geneseo?
Girls #2 and #3: Geneseo.
Girl#1: Right, but where's that?
Girl #2: New York, it's a SUNY.
Girl #1: Wait, all SUNYs are in New York?
Girl #3: It stands for State University of New York! How could you not know this?
Girl #1: What?! This is just like that time you tried to convince me Spain wasn't in South America.



Kill me now.

"The past is littered with loss. Each one is a fossil in the folds of our memories, and fossils, although sometimes delicate, are tempting to hold and admire...Memory is a dreamscape, and a dreamscape has no expiration date.It is an eternal present. The dream is all that is behind us, and thus we cant help wanting to go back. The mistake, it seems, it to dwell there. Change in linear time is the one constant truth about the world...Regret of any kind is insidious. It steals from the present. Preserving memory does not steal from the present. Rather, the past, left alone, accumulates to create all that is now."- Martha McPhee

You know you're NOT in New York when...

An older woman, ordering very slowly at a Starbucks in Vancouver, "should I get the large or the medium, oh I don't know, I'm not really sure how thirsty I am.... "

She then turns to the six people waiting online behind her, including your correspondent, and says, "I know I'm going slowly, so you all can go in front of me"

To which everyone else waiting on line behind her says in unison, "no, take your time" and "it's okay, don't worry about it" and "we're not in a rush"



Had the best weekend EVER!!! I forgot how fun just bugging out with no pressure could be. Canada is amazing and we DEFINITLY will go back. But now back to reality, work starts tomorrow. OH WELL. This summer wont be that bad. Actually not at all if this weekend was any indication of what you will bring to my life. okie bye bye gotta go.

Never let someone be your priority while allowing yourself to become their option.

laugh when you can, apologize when you should, and let go of what you can't change. Kiss slowly, play hard, forgive quickly, take chances, give everything and have no regrets. Life's too short to be anything but happy.

Tragedies happen. What can you do? Give up? Quit? No. I realize now that when your heart breaks you gotta fight like hell to make sure you're still alive cuz you are. And that pain you feel? That's life. The confusion and fear? That's there to remind you that somewhere out there is something better and that something is worth fighting for.

we're so over that we need a new word for over.