..::My Ramblings::..

Inna lillahi wa inna illahi raji'un....

2008-05-19T10:15:00.002-04:00

On Friday May 16th, my grandmother, the most amazing person I have ever known, passed on.

May Subhanahu wa Ta'ala give her a place in Jannah and grant sabr to my family.

Please make dua for her.

Confessions of a Shopaholic....

2008-05-12T00:31:00.002-04:00

I will now admit to something that I rarely ever take responsibility for.

I am a shopaholic.

Like every other warm blooded female in the world, I love to shop. Although adventures that end in clothing, shoes or accessory stores make my little heart pitter patter like a teenager in love, it does not even matter what I am shopping for, or even if I am shopping for myself.

Yes I am a shopaholic, but I am not one of those that will buy anything and everything types. I am a part of a specific breed of shopaholics that many claim to be a part of, but are truly just misinformed.

I am what many would refer to as the bargain hunter, but the correct form would be smart shopper. I will not, or possibly can not pass up a sale even if my life depended on it. It is nearly impossible for me to even describe the feeling of euphoria I have whenever I purchase an item that is completely amazing and rightfully overpriced, on a discount. I think that is what makes my world go round.

I did something today that I KNOW for a fact many women have done, but most won't admit to it. I opened my closet today and stared at my shoes. For a good twenty minutes. There is probably no justifiable reason for the love I have for my shoes, or why staring at them makes me feel so warm and gooey on the inside.

This post is going to make me sound very materialistic. But I don't care. Everyone has their vices, and mine just happens to be shopping and an obsession for shoes.

That is all. I have nothing further to say. Nothing intellectual at all. I probably just lost a brain cell or two by writing this post.

Two years later....

2008-04-05T22:17:00.004-04:00

At the risk of sounding like a cliche, I can't believe it has been a year and half since I've last posted on my blog. There was a point of time after I first started writing this blog, that I used to post everyday, maybe even twice a day. It was my refuge, my only way to really center my thoughts and feelings at a very confusing stage in my life. It also, in some way, allowed me to keep a bridge to a part of my past that I was so desperately trying to get over but hung on to with dear life.

It's absolutely mind boggling what a few days, weeks or months can give to or take away from a person. As I look back on most of my posts, I truly see how far I've progressed. Two years later, I can honestly say I have learned to cross that bridge that I thought I would never get over. I am not going to say I'm a completely different person than that girl who wrote those posts that now sound horribly desperate and downright annoying, because at that point in time that was how I was feeling.

If I try to make myself remember the memories from that time in my life, I might rediscover those horrible feeling and restart that vicious cycle that I've been trying to avoid. But then again I might not, because I really have become stronger. I've learned to look for other things, and have re-directed my life to making myself better. I won't say "I've crossed that bridge and will never look back," because that too will be a lie. I do look back, often even. I do wonder "what if?" just like every other normal human being (if normal can be applied to anyone).

During the last few years and especially towards the end of college I had felt like I was stuck in a weird sort of inertia. I wasn't really focusing on my future or what I needed to get done to get to my goals. I don't think I even really knew what my goals were. I didn't really get that wake up call until I graduated and moved back home and thought crap what do I do now? It took me a while but I finally figured it out.

Ambition, Drive, Sense of Accomplishment - that's what life is all about for us right? The Educated Generation XYZ of the Modern Age with the Limitless Future??

In my culture as a girl, after you graduate undergrad, you have one of two options. Option A: get a job and get married or Option B: go to Grad school and get married. Now for me neither of those options looked too appetizing due to the fact that I was an emotional mess and could not even THINK of the word marriage, let alone an arranged one. I had thought I would take some time off and then go to med school. But I never thought about what I would do during that time off or that living with my parents would mean endless access of my family to hound me with marriage every second they got.

So I decided to test the waters with Graduate classes. I signed up for three Graduate Biology classes that I would never have previously attempted; Genetics, Immunology and Evolution. I had a fairly unfavorable track record with upperdivision science classes due to my lack of focus and drive in undergrad; thus my taking "time off before med school". However, after I moved back home I felt a certain upgrade in my study habits and actually pulled off a perfect 4.0 while working 30 hours a week as a Dental assistant. This completely confirmed my passion to go to medical school.

Now I had to attempt the MCATS and then wait the year and half to even start medical school. I didn't want to wait anymore. It was actually pretty funny because I wanted time off to realize what I wanted. But as soon as I realized, I was in a rush to just start it already. So I decided to apply for the Carribeans. Although I would have loved to attend medical school in the states, I have opted for more favorable climates and will be attending Medical University of the America's in September. I am ubberly excited and extremely frightened but completely ready to embark on this new life of mine.

So has this medical school thing brushed off the never-ending questions of when I will get married? I wish!!! If anything, it's brought up more now! "You will get too old before you graduate, you must get married before you go!" "You will be a girl in a foreign land alone you must get married before you go!" But then there are the others that believe in the old "Find yourself a nice doctor boy there and you will be fine."

I sacrificed my dedication to school in pursuit of something I thought would make me happy and got burned. Then I learned from it, moved on and up to re-building my goals and now its full circle back to the same place. Is working your butt of to achieve something not worth anything unless you have someone to share it with?

Now I sit here again and wonder about the facts of life. Is it really about Ambition, Drive and Accomplishment or does finding the perfect person that completes you what it's all about? And how come I can't find the balance?

2006-07-12T20:53:00.000-04:00

It was always on the cards, it had happened before it had to happen again, you had to move on to your new life but there was that slight hope no matter how unrealistic it seemed, that we may not say goodbyes this time. And I knew, I knew that this would happen and It is all for good but I am struggling to accept it atleast for now. Maybe because I am selfish, maybe because I am bad in making compromises. Maybe because I know that I will have to once again fight on my own and not with your words to motivate me. But its okay. I've been on my own, the ways I got used to once I will need to get used to them again. I will have to be my friend again.

Its all good in the hood.

The life of a Spectator

2006-07-04T14:51:00.000-04:00

Don't you ever see things in passing that makes you wonder "What's that all about?" A couple quarreling in a restaurant, a man running down a crowded sidewalk, a women weeping as she hails a cab - we all see all these fragments of other people's life stories as we pursue our own. And i often get sidetracked by those fragments and try to fill them in, imagine what led to that moment and what might happen next. Maybe its the hidden writter in me. Or Maybe its because its easier than attending to my own fragments.

2006-06-27T15:59:00.000-04:00

Sometimes I wonder what emotions would feel like if they were tangible. How would happiness and pleasure feel in my hands? I think it would probably be smooth and warm. It would likely feel like silk warmed by a mid-day sun. Anger would maybe feel like sharp rocks. Sadness, sand or gravel. Sadness. That is the emotion that haunts me more than any.

I have an intimate relationship with my emotions. My emotions are as valuable to me as breathing. My emotions are the lifeblood of my spirit. Even sadness. I've felt my share of sadness and I know all too well what it can do. At it's worst, sadness corrodes the soul. At it's best it provides the motivation necessary to venture forth in search of happiness. I have seen both ends of the spectrum. I've looked through both ends of the telescope.

I've spent a lifetime learning the magic that coexists in each of us. I've found myself attempting to discover ways to use that magic to take away the sadness of those close to me. I know it's not possible, yet I try anyway. Then I get that familiar visit while I'm sleeping and I hear a voice patiently explaining the balance life requires. "There can be no happiness without sadness. As with rain and thunder and lightning, there can be no sunshine and beautiful clouds. Without the moon there would be no tides, no gravity."

And so it goes. Without sadness there would be no happiness. Now that I have found the sands of sadness spilling out onto the warm silk of my happiness I'll sit quietly and wait for the winds of change to blow it gently away.

In case you were wondering....... the soft wind you feel caressing your face and teasing your sad eyes is the texture of laughter. My laughter, because you are so pathetic. May your dreams bring you smiles when your morning comes. I hope it's worth it.

I'm trying to dig deep into my inner happy person, but I think they went on vacation. I just want things to back to normal. What's normal? I want to hit the rewind button and press pause indefinitely.

Sometimes you just want to fast forward through your problems and pretend everything is okay. You try to sound somewhat chipper on the phone while your heart breaks. You want to say good-bye to old friends and old memories. You want to start a new, somewhere distant from today.

I hurt, and I keep pushing it down because that is simply what I do. Feelings like anger and pain aren't on the list of permissible attitudes. So I run to that place in my mind where I'm safe. Where I'm strong. Where everybody seems distant and nothing matters. A place where you are not vulnerable and no one gets a glimpse of your soul.

You remind yourself that something always gives and tomorrow will be different. Yet, it sounds hollow. But you push the hours and the days into a place where they can be forgotten. Where they become just one more painful memory that you won't talk about.

How many secrets must I keep?

2006-06-09T17:03:00.000-04:00

So I am still a fucking doushe.

A STUPID FUCKING GIRL.

I still am.

I let it happen again. All the strength that I built up, I let it fucking crash to the ground. Didn't even get a sincere apology. After all that he hurt me with I thought he would realize how much he hurt me and at least apologize for it. But like always, i fuckin forgive him before he asks and accept him for whatever, flaws included. So he doesnt even apologize, and somehow it gets twisted, and I'm the one left fucking aplogizing. WOW, what a fucking moron I am. He is completelly right. I am a fucking moron.

And just when I thought, maybe, maybe, he'll be there for me this time and he showed progress. gave me information and the little bit of confidence i needed. and i was like u know wut, everything im so scared of in the future might not be so bad cause he can be a really good friend when he wants to be. he game a lil encouragement...which i dont get alot....at all really from anyone... and then POOF he fucking goes bipolar again.

FUCK IT.

FUCK THIS.

FUCK everything...

I'm just waiting till God takes me away from my pathetic existence.

2006-05-15T04:17:00.000-04:00

Girl #1: Where is SUNY Geneseo?
Girls #2 and #3: Geneseo.
Girl#1: Right, but where's that?
Girl #2: New York, it's a SUNY.
Girl #1: Wait, all SUNYs are in New York?
Girl #3: It stands for State University of New York! How could you not know this?
Girl #1: What?! This is just like that time you tried to convince me Spain wasn't in South America.

Kill me now.

2006-04-20T09:51:00.000-04:00

"The past is littered with loss. Each one is a fossil in the folds of our memories, and fossils, although sometimes delicate, are tempting to hold and admire...Memory is a dreamscape, and a dreamscape has no expiration date.It is an eternal present. The dream is all that is behind us, and thus we cant help wanting to go back. The mistake, it seems, it to dwell there. Change in linear time is the one constant truth about the world...Regret of any kind is insidious. It steals from the present. Preserving memory does not steal from the present. Rather, the past, left alone, accumulates to create all that is now."- Martha McPhee

2006-04-19T16:22:00.000-04:00

You know you're NOT in New York when...

An older woman, ordering very slowly at a Starbucks in Vancouver, "should I get the large or the medium, oh I don't know, I'm not really sure how thirsty I am.... "

She then turns to the six people waiting online behind her, including your correspondent, and says, "I know I'm going slowly, so you all can go in front of me"

To which everyone else waiting on line behind her says in unison, "no, take your time" and "it's okay, don't worry about it" and "we're not in a rush"

Had the best weekend EVER!!! I forgot how fun just bugging out with no pressure could be. Canada is amazing and we DEFINITLY will go back. But now back to reality, work starts tomorrow. OH WELL. This summer wont be that bad. Actually not at all if this weekend was any indication of what you will bring to my life. okie bye bye gotta go.

2006-03-18T12:40:00.000-05:00

Never let someone be your priority while allowing yourself to become their option.

laugh when you can, apologize when you should, and let go of what you can't change. Kiss slowly, play hard, forgive quickly, take chances, give everything and have no regrets. Life's too short to be anything but happy.

Tragedies happen. What can you do? Give up? Quit? No. I realize now that when your heart breaks you gotta fight like hell to make sure you're still alive cuz you are. And that pain you feel? That's life. The confusion and fear? That's there to remind you that somewhere out there is something better and that something is worth fighting for.

2006-03-16T23:27:00.000-05:00

we're so over that we need a new word for over.

The Truth Is....

2006-02-21T23:03:00.000-05:00

the truth is...

we hide so we can be found.
we walk away to see who will follow.
we cry to see who will wipe away our tears.
we'll let our hearts get broken to see who will come and fix them.

Have you found that person?

2006-02-20T18:15:00.000-05:00

Interesting revelation #1...I thought my own lack luster existence of wanting a million times more out of life was tragic, but after getting caught up in the whirlwind cycle of looking into complete strangers lives (via their blog of course, not actually in person) I have come to the understanding that I am just like any other Tom, Dick and Harry and Sally that wants more out of life. I am them- They are me...How did I figure this out you ask? More importantly, Why did it take me so long to understand this discovery? It's simple really, New Year's Resolutions.

Every year people make resoultions in an effort to make this year remarkably better then the year before. Up until this year, I thought that everyones list was uniquely their own. But as with many things, I have been mistaken.

I suppose that people have unique reasons for putting items on their list of resolutions, But it surprises me when I read someone elses list and know that with a few slight revisions, it could be my own. Hey if someone else has already done the work why not take advantage?

Even though it's already the end of February, I have decided to make a bold renewed effort to live by MY resoultions everyday-. (As the same with every year, I have already lost focus on them).

But not Today....TODAY is a New Day...

Today it begins, well maybe not Today because it's already too late in the afternoon to make life altering progress,

But Tomorrow....definitely Tomorrow...

2006-02-15T00:20:00.000-05:00

guys in our school are so fucking nasty....

http://img489.imageshack.us/img489/1048/wtfssb7dt.jpg

2006-02-07T10:35:00.000-05:00

the loss of innocence
a fall from grace
a trip, a stumble,
then flat on her face

trying to stop that
before it's too late
trying to keep her
from a much worser fate

bells should go off
and alarms should sound
to keep her alert
when adults aren't around

growing and learning
are both parts of life
toils and troubles
heartaches and strife

quiet secrets
whispered aloud
trying to "fit in",
be "one" with the "crowd"

abusing a privilege
or telling a lie
there's no need to do it
no real reason why

caught between roadblocks:
woman or girl?
who am i?
what's my place in this world?

no need to rush it
there's plenty of time
just be YOURSELF
and don't walk the line

2006-02-07T10:32:00.000-05:00

no reason to be jealous
no reason to fear
with only a phone call
she knows he is near
yet she feels her insides twist
like the brewing of a storm
knowing his strong embrace
will keep her safe and warm
she feels the yearning
and knows it's been too long
how can somethingthat feels so right
be so completely wrong
a tortured soul she knows
is all he will ever be
she knows their paths
should not cross again
or her heart will never be free

2006-01-30T17:30:00.000-05:00

this boat of discontent brings me to no shore.
and i will sink have i not the will to paddle forth.
from whence i sit i complain,
my feet too wet and the air too cold.
if to the dry lands i go,
from whence i would complain;
my feet too sandy and the air too humid.
if ever i could create a kingdom of utopia,
it would have no better last than this earth has been for me.
i know this for i am not on this boat of discontent;
this boat of discontent...
is me.

2006-01-30T14:34:00.000-05:00

www.letsroll911.org

incredible site.

check it out.

2006-01-24T23:25:00.000-05:00

so fever is gone (yay). upset stomach and naseau(prolly spelt wrong) lives on (boo!). got a raise at work (yay!). met some very influential medical school admissions peeps at work yesterday (yay squared). watched HOSTEL tonight. (boo!) total waste of two hours of my life.

so its been about a week since i got back from BD. doesnt feel like i ever left at all. i miss my cousins and aunts and uncles and the millions of dawats alot. i might sound like a superficial materialistic jerk after i write this but so be it but i miss the shopping the most. oh well.

classes started again yesterday (yay and boo!) i need a hot minute to get adjusted to being back at school and having to work my ass off and hope it pays off. but unlike last semester i plan on having a little me time and fun time. i felt like i stressed myself out so much last semeseter and didnt really talk about or let hte stress die down so my great progress from the beginning of the semester died down towards the end. theres also another reason that contributed to that but thats a problem thats being taken care of (boo!)

so my new years resolution: take care of myself first and kick ass in class :-D

2006-01-23T22:49:00.000-05:00

dying with a 102.8 fever. i love my life :(

2006-01-19T15:21:00.000-05:00

Why is it that i can't find answers to those incidences that make me lose faith? Why is it that it is so hard for me to accept the fact that i can't have all the answers right now? Why must bad things happen to good people? if a mistake is meant to teach a person a lesson , like i've always believed, why do irrevocable accidents occur? why is it that one's absence is felt more strongly than one's presence? why does the mind begin to be reminded of one by things that never sparked a memory before? why is it so hard for me to not doubt that everything happens for a reason?

2005-12-14T00:41:00.000-05:00

What to do....What to do.....

Do u know wut the worst feeling in the world is? Its the feeling you get when you need something sooooo bad, and you need it more then u've ever needed anything in ur life. And you had it for a while, but you lost it, it just dissapeared one day without a trace except ur broken heart. But then it came back and u almost have it again. Its just like a centimeter away from the grasps of your hand. And your so excited and happy and forget all that pain you had when u lost it because finally you think that hole in your heart is going to get patched up.

But then reality comes and slaps you across the face for the umpteenth time and reminds you that you dont deserve to fill that void in your heart. Then something comes and takes it away...something so small takes away your chance of finally being happy and getting that one thing that u cant live without and have longed for, for so long.

All the things that you have done...all the time and energy that you have wasted on that one thing....its like it doesnt even matter....you had made that one thing sooo important in your life, it became one of your top priorites, something nearest and dearest to your heart...and it doesnt even matter...nothing matters...because in the end, no matter what, that thing will never realize ur importance and appreciate all that you have done.

That thing will never realize that all that needs to be done to be forgiven is so simple....as simple as just filling that void that something left so long ago....

So when people say time heals all wounds, they are just bullshitters. Wounds that deep dont get healed. They just get scarred enough to cover up but will never be completely whole again. Because wounds never fully heal, they will always remain and can be literally busted open again and again causing the same pain and frustrations....only to have new scar tissue build up covering the old ones. And if its opened again...both the new and old scar tissues pain are exposed...and its just a never ending cycle until u loose the ability to fall and bust open that wound.

I wonder when i'm gonna lose the ability to fall......am i ever going to stop getting slapped in the face because i dont know when to turn my back?

2005-12-11T19:20:00.000-05:00

finals! for the next 2 weeks im hibernating; see you in the libary!

2005-12-04T17:19:00.000-05:00

remember when getting high meant swinging at the playground, the worst thing you could get from the opposite sex was cooties, your enemies were your teachers or your siblings, race issues was who ran the fastest, war was a card game, the only drugs you knew was cough medicine and a girl that wore a skirt didn't have to be a slut; the only thing that hurt was skinned knees and the only things that can be broken were your toys. life was simple and care free, but what i remember the most was wanting to grow up.

and now that i somewhat have....i just wanna go back...

2005-12-04T00:58:00.000-05:00

You were always the one to depend on me, not the other way around. So in the end, it's ultimately your loss. It's not my fault that you don't understand what it entails to maintain any kind of relationship, friendship or otherwise. Remember, I've always had important people by my side. You're the one who always drove the ones who loved you away. With all that lecturing that you do, i should hope that you'll learn to take your own advice one day. So it's great. I finally figured out that i dont need the likes of you. i'm finally at the point where im happy with most things in my life that having you in it would only be a complete waste of time. I say good riddens to bad rubbish.

2005-12-01T13:21:00.000-05:00

Have you ever been in love? Horrible, isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens your heart and it means someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses. You build up this whole armor, for years, so nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life... You give them a piece of you. They don't ask for it. They do something dumb one day like tell you they love you and smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple phrases turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It's a soul-hurt, a body-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. I hate love.

2005-12-01T12:44:00.000-05:00

"My Immortal"

I'm so tired of being here
Suppressed by all my childish fears
And if you have to leave
I wish that you would just leave
Cause your presence still lingers here
And it won't leave me alone
These wounds won't seem to heal
This pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase

When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears
And I held your hand through all of these years
But you still have
All of me

You used to captivate me
By your resonating light
Now I'm bound by the life you left behind
Your face it haunts
My once pleasant dreams
Your voice it chased away
All the sanity in me

These wounds won't seem to heal
This pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase

I've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone
But though you're still with me
I've been alone all along

When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears
And I held your hand through all of these years
But you still have
All of me

2005-11-30T14:05:00.000-05:00

I'm DONE.

I'm DONE with wanting and hoping and needing.

I'm DONE with feelings.

Nothing EVER comes easy to me. And I'M DONE with being patient.

I give up. Nothing in my life will ever be normal. I will never have ANY ONE THING to keep me SANE.

It's over. I give up searching for fucking sanity and peace.

I am shit. I will never accomplish anything in life.

I just need to leave and be far far away.

2005-11-29T11:20:00.000-05:00

my life is a bastard.

but at least i have the supply closet at work.

I have this weird love for the supply closet at work. It's not so much a closet as it is a series of cubical cabinets. But I love it just the same and still call it the supply closet. Yesterday I was searching for the right kind of black pen. There were ALL kinds in there...a pen oasis. I tried several of the pens on the new legal pads our secretary ordered. Nerd heaven!

I love playing around in the supply closet. Sniffing the post-its that remind me of the first day of school, playing with the binder clips - my favorite office supply, and thumbing through the wide variety of Sharpie markers is a good stress reliever for me. For example, yesterday I was searching for a red plastic binding so I could put a 30 page manual together. Our supply closet has about 45 boxes of those comb-looking plastic things. They are all different colors and sizes. You really have to pull down the box, open it up, check out the size and color, and keep moving on if you got the wrong ones. Seriously dude, I felt like Harry Potter when he was trying to find his wand. I know it's sad that those kinds of things make me smile, but at least I am honest.

2005-11-17T01:52:00.000-05:00

Sometimes in life you feel so alone and so scared and you wish your Guardian Angel can talk to you, but you can't. So instead, Allah sends human angels to help.

I know who my human angel was and I was very lucky to have that person. There were so many times that I was sad, but as soon as I talked to that person, that angel comforted me and I felt no more pain. Even if I didn't even talk about what was bothering me.

There was so many times I felt too weak to strive for things, but that person's voice lifted me up and reminded me I can do anything, because my human angel is right behind me, supporting me.....

But now I'm lost because I dont know where my angel went....

It just breaks my heart.

I have so much on pressure on my heart and mind right now and I would love to forget everything and be able to hold on to the hope that life will get better.

I just dont know how to deal with anything anymore......

I try so hard to stay positive, focus on school, on work, on family, on friends and not think about how sick I potentially can be...and how busting my ass for school may not pay off.

I just feel so worthless and I dont know how to get out of this hole. I don't know how to talk to anyone about this. Everyone has their own stuff to deal with. And all this pressure is building up and I really feel like I'm about to lose control.

I just want to give up and go away some where really far. I wish i didn't have to deal with all these things and got everything the easy way. I don't complain usually. I really don't. I bust my ass and work hard to have everything I have and I like it like that. But I don't know...im so scared that I'm falling apart and I just want my guardian angel to come and rescue me cause i'm really falling apart.

2005-11-16T00:50:00.000-05:00

The road is long, and full of crazy turns. How easy it would be if a simple straight road was in front of me. I would know exactly what I wanted and where to go and how to get there. Sadly there are many curves and bends, and it is hard to predict what will be coming or what will happen. I guess tried to follow the straight road, and when it curved, I have always just kinda stopped and waited for it to straighten out again, but I think this time I will move on. It's not that big of a deal, and as a matter of fact, it is probably more than beneficial for me if I just move on past the curves. I will get farther in life if I don't just sit there and wait. That is what I have always done, and I have settled for what has come along. This time I think I will take control of the wheel and keep on going because I think the sooner I move on and find something that makes me happy, the sooner I can get over and forgive people for past mistakes they have made. I hate being mad at people, and I especially hate not being able to tell them. I hate keeping secrets from people, and not discussing things that need to be discussed, but I am going to work on changing that. I want to become a better person. The person that I want to be, not anyone else. This is for me and me alone, and I do not care if people do not like what I become because it is not their choice. I figure I may lose friends with who I change into. I will be more expressive with opinions and people may dislike it. I think I have already changed several friendships I have, and while that is hard to deal with, I figure if things change that easily anyways, the bond was not that strong to begin with.

I am going to smile about life and love every second of it. I am going to make the most out of my resources, and try to stop caring about the stigma that ignorant people place on me.

I will stop worrying about being sick because I can not change a disease, but I can live a normal life if I want. My heart honestly feels lighter right now, I love it.

2005-11-02T00:51:00.000-05:00

Back in high school, I recall having written a story in English class that was to have been one of my initial forays into serious creative writing. Although I had been writing journals, short stories, jokes, notes and love letters to fellow students for many years, none were likely suitable for a grade.

I loved to write, but I had as yet to receive any well educated feedback or support for my efforts.

The submission of this story, then, being one of my few classroom efforts that had not been seized as contraband that would subsequently earn me a little visit to the principals office, was a turning point for me. I still remember my teachers reaction as if it occurred yesterday, her enthusiasm causing me to view my willingness to write as potential doorway to a future I had yet to imagine.

Although I no longer have a copy of the story, written as it was on spiral looseleaf and lost in the archives of my life, I recall the opening sentence quite clearly, my teacher having praised me for my ingenuity.

I wrote:

On a cold rainy evening, while alone in my apartment, I was viciously murdered for reasons beyond my comprehension.

I was 15 years old, inclined towards melodrama and horror (some things never change) and had essentially crafted an idea featuring a murder victims perspective on her death and the subsequent impact on the lives of those around her that was later to be made into a New York Times bestseller.

That had been my lovely idea back in high school! Why oh why hadn't I written a novel based on my short story and become an internationally renowned author?! What had I been thinking?!

Now I'm stuck being a stupid pre-med student on her way to flunk her mammalian physiology exam....

Sigh.....

This is all i know now.....

2005-10-17T23:56:00.000-04:00

Something must be really wrong when you see a simple image such as this....

( a coffee bean)

And what you really see is this.....

Which then develops into this image that you conjured up in your head......

yahh....something must REALLY be messed up when

a coffee bean

is disected into its own compartments

and then referenced back to a human brain

all because the shape of a coffee bean

reminds you of the courses

that has become your life.

its really interesting though how similar a coffee bean and a brain are.....

anyways...off to another sleepless night with the loves of my life..

my textbooks.....

2005-10-14T12:51:00.000-04:00

If you drift apart from your friends, dont try too hard to keep in touch wit them. Dont force the friendship to continue. If you were really meant to be friends with some one, then, no matter how much time passes, you'll be able to pick up right where u left off. You wont feel uncomfortable, or feel like they're different people now. Because we're always changing.There's nothing you can do about that. The true test of friendship is whether you can still be friends even after time, experience, and people have changed us. So dont force it. Dont make false promises of "i'll call and write every week", cuz no matter how much u wanna keep that promise, it usually doesnt work out. You call when u want to, or if you need to talk to that certain friend, not because you agreed on calling on Wednesdays and Fridays. Cuz that just makes it seem like a chore. Cuz if you really were meant to be friends with that person, you dont need to make those promises. Also, if u lost touch wit that person fer a long time, that doesnt mean they're not ur friends anymore...Besides, even if you havent kept in touch fer a long time, its also a nice surprise to somehow accidentally bump into that person, or get an unexpected letter/call/IM, and catch up...exchange stories, and reminisce about old times...

Maybe one day, i'll sit you down, and explain everything. i'll tell you things i didnt or couldnt. it'll probably take me hours, and it'll probably be hard for me to say and exhausting for you to hear. You'll probably be quite fazed and confused as to why i would even bother telling you this after all this time, especially when things are okay as they are. Maybe, if i had the courage to be straight up wit you,things would not be as they are now. Maybe you're right; i AM the one that lost out on something great. You're right. You told me i would regret it, and i do. I think i just threw the best thing that came my way away.But if i told you everything now, it would complicate things for you, wouldnt it? And it probably wouldnt help as of now, seeing that you're so far away.

To Hermit or Not to Hermit...

2005-10-09T01:09:00.000-04:00

While in the midst of a brief conversation with a friend yesterday afternoon, he mentioned how he could easily percieve himself as a hermit. And even though I haven't seen him in quite some time, I believe him to be one to fully appreciate an open space and silence to clear one's mind. Does this necessarily characterize a hermit? Maybe.

But maybe not. We are all human; we all have our own way of decompressing, whether it be reading, doing a long muscle-burning workout, indulging oneself in music, or screaming at the top of one's lungs. For myself, I don't think I can fathom an existence without human interaction though. People intrigue and inspire me to no end, and my hope is that I can modestly tender the same for someone else.

to my friend....I hope you reconsider the hermit lifestyle. Your contribution would surely be missed.

Joy of Finding Something You Gave up on.

2005-10-08T03:06:00.000-04:00

I found something today that I had completely given up on looking for.

I had looked for it, for about 12 months, I had searched high and low. I tried really hard. I tried so hard that I realised I was being ridiculous, and so my new year's resolution was to stop looking. Even after I officially stopped looking, I was sneaking peaks out of the corners of my eyes. You know how it is.

Finally, I achieved a kind of inner peace.

I
Gave
Up.

And now here it is.

The joy of the un-lost.

2005-09-26T21:27:00.000-04:00

I've been playing "good girl" all my life.

I've pretty much always done what I "should have" done--always doing the right thing. I'm not talking little things, I'm talking about the "big stuff"...In fact, I can think of only a few times in twenty years I've done the horribly wrong thing, which I don't think I regret even though it was wrong.

Pretty much following the rules, staying inside the lines. That's me. I'm not saying I'm perfect-anyone who knows me or who has read any post on my blog knows better. And I'm not saying I've never been tempted to do something "crazy" or "bad." But when temptations have presented themselves I've almost, mostly always passed on them, opting instead for the "right thing" or the "noble thing."

Well, honestly, all this nobility has got me to wondering what it would feel like to just leave everything. Get up without any notice, empty my bank account, and just go. And do something absolutely crazy. Do something that no one would ever guess I'd do, if I even told them I'd done it.

Just...what is it like to do sometihng foolish or crazy? What would it be like, for once, to not meet or exceed the expectations? Granted, my idea of "crazy" is nothing compared to what some people would do.

I'm not saying I'm unhappy with my life. I'd never really do any of the things I just talked about, because all of them would be irresponsible and there would surely be consequences I wouldn't like. I can't be anyone buy myself, and that's what I'm doing every day. But I still wonder, could I pull off being bad, irresponsible, or "naughty"?

I suppose there is only one way to find out. But I don't really wanna do that, now do I?

I mean what would the difference be... I'm already viewed as such by some idiot.

Too Much Information...

2005-09-26T00:22:00.000-04:00

The more you know, the more you forget. Your brain can only hold so much information. To learn new info, you must forget something else. So, why is it that instead of forgetting the words to old songs, I forget things that might actually come in handy down the road....It would be okay if I was ever on a useless trivia show or ever asked the lyrics to old 80's rap songs, otherwise I should start forgetting this useless info.

2005-09-22T23:44:00.000-04:00

I've reached a point in my life that the demands on my life seems to exceed the supply that I have to offer. (Demand > Supply)

It's a frustrating feeling; overwhelming feelings of helplessness and weariness, that threaten to engulf no matter how much I try to push myself to increase the supply. As hard as I try, I can't seem to find the capacity to do more. This is such a poor state of things to find oneself in.

According to the laws of Economics, if Demand > Supply, the only way to re-balance the equation, to find harmony, is to either decrease the demand or to increase the supply.

It is difficult for me to pare down on what is already a simple life. What else is there for me to give up on; my sleep, my work? And the way society works, there is no way I can find any respite to my schedule unless I go live in some asylum.

The only other way is to increase the supply, so as to meet head-on the demands. So I just have to push a little harder, and a little harder, and a little harder, and one fine day, I'll realise that I've growna little stronger, a little wiser, with more capacity than before.

This is such an exercise in character building - in sacrificing, and giving up of oneself so as to accomplish greater things; in prioritizing. That's the thing about us humans. Sometimes we don't even realise what stuff we're made of, until a situation comes along that requires supernormal strength.

So the goal is...

From Demand > Supply...
To increase in Supply --> Demand = Supply

A Different Path...

2005-09-19T12:15:00.000-04:00

I want to sleep, but I'm up right now. Not a good mix. That's when coffee really becomes my friend, just in case you're wondering. I love artificial energy.

Have you ever wondered before (of course you have) how how life would have been if you had made different choices?

I do all the time. What if I hadn't gone to Stonybrook? What if I went to NYU or Penn State? What if I had joined a sorority? Blah blah blah blah blah...my head is always filled with too many thoughts.

Do you think we make up the phrase "Things happen for a reason" to make ourselves feel better about the situations we're in?

None the less, I still believe in that phrase. I'm not unhappy where I am...I just have to wonder what it would have felt like to have a different life. YES...I am human.

I CANNOT believe all the work I have ahead of myself this semester. Orgo exam tomorrow night, so I should go back to studying for that...you know, while I have this artificial energy and all.

Truth and Love

2005-09-19T03:32:00.000-04:00

This weekend I thought a lot about the balance of Truth and Love and how these two virtues are often times at odds with each other.

I think it's most obvious when looking at the extremes of politics in America. Republican extremists (conservatives) are all about "Truth" and have the impression of banging it into everyone, and Democrat extremists (liberals) are all about "Love" and want to make sure that not one person is unloved/uncared for in the country even at the expense of what is right.

In looking at our own personal lives, I see that everyone tends to lean to one of these virtues more than the other. I look at myself and can see how I tend to lean more towards Love than Truth. If I'm honest with myself, I see spots of my life where I was willing to give up some Truth in favor of Love. I didn't want certain people to not feel good about themselves so I was willing to overlook some things that were not good/honest/right.

The most intersting part about Truth and Love being at odds with each other is that it shouldn't be this way. Truth should not be at odds with Love, instead Truth should be wrapped in Love. I think that a person who speaks the Truth with Love is able to set things straight while building a person up and giving them dignity about doing right.

I want to be that person.

2005-09-11T00:25:00.000-04:00

Looking back on the twenty years that I have lived, I have noticed some trends. As a young child we are full of innocence. We are unsure of the world and we see it as full of potential and intrigue. At some point that innocence is replaced by the angst of adolescence. That is a time when we begin to find flaws in ourselves and begin to see the world is not as inviting as we once thought. We still have our hopes and dreams and the future full of possibility. The angst of youth gives way to the cynicism of early adulthood. We have experienced pain that cause us to conceal, change, or lose some of those hopes and dreams. The passion and vigor of life begins to be dulled by the gray of reality. After every failure we lose more desire. After every rejection our drive lessens. After every loss the strain on our hearts increases. There comes a point where we no longer seek to find something better, but seek simply to avoid more turmoil.

All those dreams are memories. All life's happy memories are passages to something that no longer exists. I have heard it said that life is not about the end result, but about the journey. I no longer desire any part of the journey. I want no more part of hurt or loss. I do not want to find more reasons why I am not good enough. I am content to being alone. I need no one. At least I know I can only let myself down. I do not want to try. I won't try. I am resigned to participate in being the minimum. I will work. I will go home. I will sleep. And I will pray. Pray to able to trust again, but I doubt it will happen.

Everyone will let you down. I have nothing more to give anyone anymore.

No Wonder Why Bush Is Still President....

2005-09-05T01:34:00.000-04:00

Nearly two-thirds of Americans are idiots.

Nearly two-thirds of Americans say that creationism should be taught alongside evolution in public schools.

Two-thirds of Americans aged 18-25 can't find New Jersey on a map. Even more of them can't find Iraq.

Two-thirds of Americans think we should televise executions.

Nearly two-thirds of Americans can't name any Supreme Court justices.

::sigh::

Believe It Or NOT!

2005-09-03T21:14:00.000-04:00

Halliburton hired for Hurricane Katrina clean up.

This is insult added to injury.

Cheney and his band of theives are going to profit from the hurricane?

Unf**kingbelievable!

2005-09-01T00:03:00.000-04:00

Having a day to think is never a good thing when you have sorrowful thoughts on your mind. I have such a desire to continue to have you a part of my life and to be a part of your life. I wonder, do you read this like I imagine you do? I challenge to look deep within yourself and find the strength you need to be happy. I hope you are also learning to trust God more. Trusting Him will take away the strength of all those "what if's" that float around in your head. After three nights of only two hours of sleep, I finally crashed last night and slept. It was a relief to my body to finally meet with decent sleep. It does not come close to the sleep I meet with after I talk to you. I wonder, do you try to escape thoughts of me as I do you? It is not an easy task. I still cant stop loving you. I believe that you are running from something that is truly special. I will not stop hoping that God brings us back together. I wonder, do you pray that He keeps us apart? I made you laugh once. You made me laugh as well. I need to laugh.

Automatic Frown Eraser...

2005-08-27T01:48:00.000-04:00

Do you ever have those days where you feel like you don't have anything together? If you answered yes, then it is possible that you have that in common with many other people. I think it is possible that everyone has a day where they feel like nothing is right in there lives. Maybe it isn't even limited to one day maybe it could be a week or two in a row. So that begs the question, what do we do about it? Is there a solution to this problem? I think that there is a short term solution, but no long term one. For the days where we can't seem to find anything going right for us, those are the days that we need our friends the most. Those also seem to be the days that we want to be around people the least. It could also be said that since we all have those days when we feel like poopy, that we could share some of those days in common. So we can commiserate and share in our poo together. Fun poo sharing! The important thing on the poo days is to overcome the urge to be alone and find someone to spend time with. I know that there could be two things that could be argued:
1. Is it bad to want to be alone?
2. What if there is a person who has no one?

Here are what I see to be some answers:

1. It is not bad to spend some time alone, collecting our thoughts can be a good thing. But spending seven days being down is going a little overboard. I like to be alone. I enjoy spending time trying to straighten out my head a little. But, I have learned to put a stop to that after a couple of days. Eventually you need to stop and go spend some time with friends. I can say that every time I have wanted to just stay home but decided to go out with friends I have ended up coming home in a good mood.

2. As for those unfortunate souls who are sitting there thinking, "I have no one to spend time with." Then I have two things for you to contemplate. The first is to stop being an a-hole and be nice to people. Okay, okay, maybe that is a little harsh. Let's try this one...spend those alone days doing some self analysis and see if there are some things you need to work on in regards to the ways that you treat others. Maybe your rude, maybe your creepy, maybe your grumpy, or maybe your like me and have become a professional at making everyone feel just a little awkward with really dumb jokes. Whatever the case may be, all it takes is a little effort and the people in your life will come around. Most of us are surprisingly forgiving. The other more likely solution to the second problem is that you do have people in your life, you are just too down to see it. You have turned down the phone calls so many times that people stopped calling. All you need to do is make a phone call and get things rolling again. So this may not be the whole answer. I may be oversimplifying things. The truth is that this solution works for me. As for the long term solution I will say again, THERE IS NOT ONE. Bad days will happen. There is no avoiding that fact. There is no witty saying that is going to make that less true. There is no automatic frown eraser that I know of.

If I find one I will let you know.

When I was your age....

2005-08-25T14:46:00.000-04:00

This morning I was flipping through radio stations on the drive through hell (the 375) on my way to work and I came across Mr. Seacrest's morning show. Ry gives out random shit, uh, like, every damn day, and right now he's planning to deck out some whiny school kids on their way back to school. So, in his quest to figure out exactly what teenagers want these days, he started reading all kinds of polls and research.

And Ry found a list -- I don't remember where it was from, and I can't find it on the net -- of the top 10 goodies kids are asking their parents to buy them. Some of the items topping the list -- Chanel Bronzer (WTF?!), True Religion jeans (NO!), the Motorola Razr (you've got to be kidding me), Pumas (one of the better ones)...I was waiting for him to list Mercedes Benz models and prime property locations.

What the hell is with kids today?!

Ok, let me preface the rest of this by saying that I know some of the people reading this have kids and I have NO IDEA how you raise them in this kind of environment! I have the utmost respect for all of you.

What makes children think they can ask their parents for CHANEL BRONZER?! I'll admit that when I was growing up I had it pretty good. My parents tried to do the best for me and my brother, and I'd say they did a wonderful job. Granted, we're both a little spoiled, but we're humble enough to appreciate the things we've been given.

But really, the way children are going these days I'm starting to doubt if I want to bring any into this world. I was 98% sure I wanted kids, and now I just don't know anymore. What happen to respect? Do you know how many kids I see running amuck while parents stand by and chat with neighbors, pick out peaches in the grocery store, try to calm crying siblings, etc.? Since when was it ok to ask your parents for top-of-the-line cell phones so you can talk to your mid-pubescent boyfriend about absolutely NOTHING of consequence?

I know I really have no right to be talking because I don't have kids and I don't understand the pressures of raising them, but...I do know that, yes, kids get crazy and cranky and pushy and just plain bitchy; but I also know that some are much, much worse than others and most times I just end up wondering who the hell raised those assholes?

2005-08-22T18:10:00.000-04:00

too many pieces fell
nothing left to mend it well

happiness is the cost
all hope is then lost

memories will haunt
songs will then taunt

tears will then dry
nothing left in the eye

roles will be assigned
ready is the play's design

truth will be hid
covered up with a lid

smile as the days go by
cry as the night does die

ability to trust does fade
a stone heart then is made

weakness lingers no longer
these lies have only made me stronger

2005-08-22T04:17:00.000-04:00

Lies after Lies. I dont know what to believe anymore. Is there any trustworthy people left in the world?

Drifting away with a broken heart....

Ice Cream Does a Body Good...

2005-08-20T01:09:00.000-04:00

It is hard to get my head around why doors open up and then seem to close when I try to walk through them. People keep telling me that I will understand one day why things happen the way they do. I understand the reasons that they say that, but I don't know if it is as true as I once thought and hoped it to be. I can't get my head around why I feel so sure that Allah has certain plans for me and then He decides to change them. All I get is more questions. The hardest thing to hear is everyone telling me, "if you think he was great, imagine how amazing the one Allah wants for you will be." Because in my heart I still have faith and for some stupid reason want to believe that he is the one and he is just not listening to what God wants, but what he wants for himself. So in this case I have the faith, but is it misplaced...how will I...how can I know???

All the questions and all the frustrations are what bring me to the decision that I may not be designed to be with anyone. I am desperate for the peace of my heart . I long for the guidance, understanding, and wisdom that only Allah can bring. I guess I need to learn to ignore that huge part of my heart that longs to be loved by him, and replace it with love for myself.

I don't feel like I have anyone to pour my heart out to. I can pray and it helps but I have to admit it is not the same as having a shoulder to lean on. I am confused and my emotions are going a million miles an hour. I want to feel centered. I want that feeling that is supposed to be within me to fill me with laughter. How do I get it? So many questions.

You know what....

I just need some ice cream.

Faith, Humility and Wisdom

2005-08-16T00:46:00.000-04:00

I cannot seem to figure out the lessons that I am supposed to be learning during this challenging time. I know that I am being put through what I would like to believe is a refining fire of sorts, but I don't know where it is going to go. I never know. This endless cycle hurts like crazy. I hate not knowing. I am starting to believe that I am transitioning in to a time in my life where I am actually supposed to be alone, completely on my own, with no support. That scares me because I hate being alone. I almost feel like it is time for me to realize that I am not meant to be with anyone ever. Maybe I will never be good enough.

All I can do is ask for faith like I have never asked for it before. I have got to learn to trust that what Allah is doing now, and what he is going to do, is best for me. In my head I know it is true, but that truth is having a hard time making it to my broken and hurting heart. Perhaps the more faith I have the more open my life will be to what Allah wants to do in it.

The second thing I want is humility. I want to be humble. I am currently being humbled through this time, but I want to learn to have a sincere humility in all I do. I don't want to seek credit or acknowledgement. I want to learn to just do my best because it is what I owe the people around me, and Allah for that matter. I feel like humility will help me seek to make myself feel better, and strive more toward simply being content.

I do seek wisdom. I want find more truth in my life. Everything feels so wrong right now. I think that some wisdom about things will help me find more shaanthi. I need some shaanthi.

When will the tears stop....

2005-08-13T03:38:00.000-04:00

What did I do ALLAH! Why do I get hurt so much! I do everything to not be selfish, I sacrifice my wants and needs to fullfil others' wants and needs. Yet I'm the one who is in so much pain. I have never hurt anyone in my life. Why did I do to deserve this kind of pain?? I never wished this kind of pain on anyone! There is no justice in this constant burnALLAh! I pray and I pray for everyone to be happy. And nothing comes out of it except for my pain. I just want some peace in my heart....Why can't I just get that simple thing I ask for? Why am i ALWAYS used and walked all over and thrown to the side like trash???

Slowly Withering away....

One tear after another.....

Foolish Games

2005-08-12T13:26:00.000-04:00

You took your coat off, and stood in the rain.
You were always crazy like that.
And I watched from my window,
Always felt I was outside looking in on you.

You were always the mysterious one with
dark eyes and careless hair.
You were fashionably sensitive,
but too cool to care.
You stood in my doorway,
with nothing to say,
Besides some comment on the weather.

Well in case you failed to notice,
In case you failed to see,
This is my heart,
bleeding before you,
This is me down on my knees.

And these foolish games are tearing me apart,
And your thoughtless words are breaking my heart...
You're breaking my heart.Y

ou were always brilliant in the morning:
Smoking your cigarettes, and talking over coffee.
Your philosophies on art, Baroque moved you;
You loved Mozart,
And you'd speak of your loved ones,
As I clumsily strummed my guitar.

You teach me of honest things,
Things that are daring, things that are clean,
Things that knew what an honest dollar did mean.
I hid my soiled hands behind my back,
Somewhere along the line I must have gone of track with you.

Excuse me, think I've mistaken you for somebody else:
Somebody who gave a damn,
Somebody more like myself.

And these foolish games are tearing me,
You're tearing me, you're tearing me apart.
And your thoughtless words are breaking my heart...
You're breaking my heart.

You took your coat off and stood in the rain;
You were always crazy like that.

The Rollar Coaster

2005-08-12T03:07:00.000-04:00

Well its here. Like I knew it would be. It's funny how often I predict this and how right I am every time. But I wish I wasn't.

The rollar coaster just stopped right in front of me begging me to go for a ride.

Not this time pal, I've learned my lesson. I'm not gonna test the strengths of gravity anymore. I've seen and felt the conseqences before. Even though it pains me to let the rollar coaster go on with out me, I know I'm saving myself a lot more heartache.

Maybe I will reconsider if I could get something out of it. But who am I kidding, I know I won't. I compromise too much for this damn rollar coaster. It's time the rollar coaster do something for me. Which I truely doubt. And if you, the rollar coaster, chose not to. Then, I'm sorry to sound a bit cliche, but its your loss. You are losing a very loyal and dependable rider who truely loved the rollar coaster just not the ride it offered.

Life and other things

2005-08-08T01:24:00.000-04:00

I need some serious help...recently i've been getting this feeling of inadequesy very often. Im getting this feeling that I am going crazy! Now, I figured, maybe I have gone crazy a long time ago! YaAllah help me..... and lead me to the path where I will find inner peace... a rested heart... that's all I am asking for! Like the other day, a friend said, death wouldn't be so bad for we are finally released from all the stress........ but I want to live, with a content heart...

We all want a simple song.
We all want to get along.
We all want to just belong.
We all want to know right from wrong.
We all want to love and be loved strong.

Truth has been confused. Simplicity refused. This trust had been abused.
So how am I to love, and be loved strong?

It's so hard.. sometimes, it feels like, I just need to give up on all this! My dreams.. my future.. my life.. my people.. everything! It will be the only way to keep some sanity and to not cause any pain or put any burden on anyone. Its as if everywhere I go, I cause something to go wrong even if I KNOW i had nothing to do with it, it's always me that the blame falls on. I'm so tired of being everyone's punching bag, the carpet that everyone just walks all over, the person that will do anything for anyone because she is too nice to say no.

Maybe I just need to go to the top of the mountains and have a simple life there...its all crazy, life is so crazy, oh my God, I can't take it anymore!

I hate the feeling of being inadequate. And recently that's all I feel. Not from just one person. From everyone. And it's getting to the point where I just really want to give up on everything. I wish I could just be selfish without feeling guilty, but I really wish I could just accomplish everything just to make everyone around me happy. I wish I had the abilities to do so much more then I'm doing. I try so hard. But nothing I do or am is ever good enough for anyone.

I just wish I could believe in myself. I wish I knew what to do. I wish I didn't feel like such trash that belongs on the side of the road. I'm so scared. So scared of my future and how I make everyone around me so miserable. I just wish, for once, that I could be appreciated for what I am. I am not perfect, I DO have flaws. I DONT know everything. I CANT make everything go right. I DONT control the consequences of other people's actions. I DO have a consious and I DO hurt. I HURT just as much as the next person. I may hide it, but it doesnt mean I don't have feelings. I just dont want to burden anyone with them. I just wish I could be excepted for being myself, my flaws and all without trying to conform to the way everyone around me wants.

It just gets harder and lonlier by the day. Oh Allah, help me find some peace in my heart.

Ghost of You and Me

2005-08-07T22:53:00.000-04:00

What am I supposed to do
With all these blues
Haunting me everywhere
No matter what I do

Watching the candle flicker out
In the evening glow
I can't let go
When will the night be over

I didn't mean to fall in love with you
And baby there's a name
For what you put me through
It isn't love, it's robbery
I'm sleeping with the ghost of you and me

Seen a lot of broken hearts
Go sailing by
Phantom ships lost at sea
And one of them is mine

Raising my glass
I sing a toast to the midnight sky
I wonder why
The stars don't seem to guide me

I didn't mean to fall in love with you
And baby there's a name
For what you put me through
It isn't love, it's robbery
I'm sleeping with the ghost of you and me

The ghost of you and me
When will it set me free
I hear the voices call
Following footsteps down the hall
Trying to save what's left
Of my heart and soul

Watching the candle flicker out
In the evening glow
I can't let go
When will the night be over

I didn't mean to fall in love with you
And baby there's a name
For what you put me through
It isn't love, it's robbery
I'm sleeping with the ghost of you and me

koto robi jolere, keba ankhi melere.

2005-08-07T18:37:00.000-04:00

koto robi jolere, keba ankhi melere.

Ok, it was in Bangla, if you are curious to know what it meant, just ask! If you know Banlgla but still don't know what it means, you may ask, too, for we don't use that kind of Bangla in our everyday convesation.

All right, so I had my first Sunday off from work all summer. You would think that I would be delited to have some me, myself and I time. The problem is, I am extremely lethargic when I dont have work or school to keep me busy and when I just dont feel like hanging out with friends, I can't get my lazy butt off the lovely couch, which is situated about 10 feet away from a SONY VEGA TV. It's a big TV with cable, DVDs and stuff with remote controllers THAT WORK.

For good and bad reasons, I am wasting my time looking at the TV and yet not really paying attention. And I am watching the stuff that you get to watch even without cable, like Friends and Everybody loves Raymond re-runs. I don't know if any of you like Raymond, but this sitcom is extremely hilarious. This reminds me of all the Bangladeshi mothers-in-law that are NEVER happy with their daughters-in-law's cooking. Also the fact that these mothers-in-law always think "she ain't good enough for my son," or "she ain't taking care of my beloved son as much as she is supposed to." This is just hilarious. umm... why are men in every culture so cared for?

Oh oh oh... here is a part from a real life conversation between person A (the older cousin), person B (the younger cousin), person C (auntie 1) , and person D (auntie 2).

C: You are wearing a nice shalwar kameez (Indian/Bangladeshi outfit) (directing to A )
D: Her kameez is even prettier... (directing to B)
B: Thanks...(smile)
C: (directing to B) you should let her (meaning A) wear prettier dresses. Once she is married then you can look as pretty as you want.
D: Yeah, she needs to look prettier until she gets married.

So, if anyone is reading and somewhat familiar with the cultural crap of Bangladesh (when it gets down dealing with girls/women): do you see any problem with what the lady is saying to the girls? I found it EXTREMELY offensive. But, it makes me laugh to think that how women disrespect other women. If you don't see what the problem is in the conversation, leave a comment for further elaboration. Boy, don't I just love to watch these aunties trying to make random matchmaking and once you are married they want you to join their league in dissing their poor husbands! tsk tsk... but, it's funny.

All right, I need to get back to That 70's Show: one of my favorite sitcoms.

A Joke For Your Reading Pleasure

2005-08-06T16:49:00.000-04:00

A Joke From the Daily Show.

I don't know why I thought this was funny. . .
At least I can laugh at myself.

After a really good party a man walks into a bar and orders a drink.

Already drunk and delirious, the man turns to the person sitting next to him and says, ''You wanna hear a blonde joke?''

The person replies, ''I am 240 pounds, world kickboxing champion and a natural blonde. My friend is 190 pounds, world judo champion and is a natural blonde. And my other friend is 200 pounds, world arm wrestling champion and is also a natural blonde. Do you still want to tell me that blonde joke?''

The man thinks for a while and replies, ''Not if I have to explain it three times.''

hahahhahhaha

2005-08-05T00:43:00.000-04:00

I'm confused. Is pregnancy:

1. Something that makes you powerless, as in the case of this pregnant Washington woman, who a judge decreed could not divorce her abusive husband?

Or

2. A power women wield over men, as in the case of this woman accused of getting pregnant in order to keep a man out of the priesthood?

Jeez. Could we at least have a little consistency in the War on Women?

Summer Sucks Butt

2005-08-04T01:12:00.000-04:00

I've been aggravated lately.

Everything seems to be going exceptionally horrible. I feel as if I am completely useless. What the hell am I complaining about? I don't know!

I think it's because I'm waiting for something to start, but my life is just in limbo right now. I really want school to begin. Although I'm lazy, I like the feeling that somehow I'm working toward something better in life...right now I'm doing so many things, and I'm so busy with everything and it's driving me crazy!

School, although hectic and stressful, gives me a feeling of completeness almost.

I'm kinda like my dad, I'm figuring out--he hates having breaks, he wants to work all the time. And while I like little breaks, this huge 3 month break is killing me. I even took summerschool, and its still killing me. But I still wasn't fullfilled. I started work again at Lady Foot Locker, but that too only took away a few hours. So I started working at a pharmacy. The two jobs and three summer classes took up all my days and most of all my nights. You would think that all that would keep me busy and not do stupid things such as stuff I won't even mention. But most of you know. But for some reason, it wasnt enough for me. I just still found extra hours in the day (maybe from the lack of sleep which probably is adding to my agrivation). NOW I have a third job, the job at the dean's office in the medical school that I was supposed to start during the Fall semester, calling me to say that I have to start ealier then scheduled. So now five of my days starts out like this:

wake up at 6
get ready and leave the house by 8
get to school around 9
class from 9 to 1
work at the office from 1 to 3ish
go straight to work at the pharmacy at 3:30
come home at like 10 and do hw till like 1/2
get to bed like 3

then start it all over again....

and weekends are just filled with work....

Now I feel like I've taken on too much and Im just really starting to lose my mind. On top of that everything is just pissing me off, my friends, my parents, my brother, even my entire existence.

This sucks so much butt.

Man, maybe that's why I'm in a bad mood.

Oh well...school will start soon and maybe I'll regain my sanity.

2005-07-28T01:34:00.000-04:00

you are dead to me.

What The???

2005-07-26T15:52:00.000-04:00

Ever since 9/11, New Yorkers have been encouraged to report any "suspicious" behavior or people. What the hell constitutes "suspicious" behavior? Well, in many cases, I guess it means being brown.

Apparently some tourists who had probably never seen brown people before took it upon themselves to perform the heroic deed of alerting police to some "suspicious," "Middle-Eastern-looking" men wearing turbans who were on their double-decker tourist bus. Police came and handcuffed the men.They were Sikhs, of south Asian descent.

Mayor Bloomberg issued an apology today, but really. If we're going to tell people to report "suspicious behavior," shouldn't there be some kind of education as to what that would be? Or does anybody know what that means? They seem to be hoping that someone's "gut feeling" that something is wrong could prevent attacks.

Or maybe people should have some cultural education. So many Americans are so damned insular they know absolutely nothing about other cultures, as evidenced by the people who assumed that brown men wearing turbans must be Arabic terrorists. On the other hand, even if these men WERE from the Middle East, that in itself should not be considered suspicious.

Argh. I don't see any solution for this bullshit, but it is extremely frustrating.

On the other hand, I was amused by this advice to New Yorkers to stop being stupid, which should reduce suspicion of terrorism (if you're white, anyway).

Bad Day Pick Me Up

2005-07-25T23:47:00.000-04:00

I needed this.....

The last one looks fake, but it's still funny:

http://www.idiots-guide.org/badday.htm

Motivation

2005-07-24T21:39:00.000-04:00

Today is one of those rare days in which I feel motivated... I feel like I can do anything I can dream, I can acquire anything I learn, and that time is my only barrier. I yearn to learn, to create, to do something fantastic. Not like, huge-scale or anything. I don't want to found an organization. But I could do some wicked design if I harness this energy right. I wish I could bottle this feeling.

A Tiny News Update...

2005-07-24T01:57:00.000-04:00

The Brits are at it again. This time, they want to remove the word "fail" from schools and replace it with the term "deferred success", "to avoid demoralizing pupils". You know what -- if they had this when I was in school, I would have a lot of success coming to me right now.

And in other school news, an African politician has promised to pay for college for any girl from his district that graduates college a virgin. Man, they should have to wear a nametag or something that says, "you better have $20,000 to pay my tuition bill if you want to get into these pants!"

2005-07-19T20:24:00.000-04:00

When I was five years old, my classmates and I used to play a game on the playground. It was a simple game, because these were simple times and we were simple people. The game consisted entirely of children chasing each other around the playground with the intent of capturing members of the opposing team. The teams were simple: if you were in kindergarten, you were on one team; if you were a first-grader, you were on the other team. The kindergarteners were at a decided disadvantage (at least as far as we were concerned), because the first-graders were bigger and faster than we were. So for a kindergartener to capture a first-grader was a much more celebrated victory than for a first-grader to catch a kindergartener.

I'll never forget the day that I snuck up behind this first grader i barely knew and threw my arms around him and exclaimed with glee, "I caught a first-grader!" Oh, it was such a rush for my young heart. I'm sure my little body quivered with excitement from my unlikely victory. Never in my life would I have believed I could accomplish such a task as capturing a first-grader, even though I had be trying to for the entire week's worth of recesses leading up to that point. Imagine my dismay when he turned around and looked at me with those bright blue eyes and smiled apologetically as he gently explained that he was not, in fact, actually playing the game (which of course makes all victories null and void. See the "you're it, I quit" rule). He was a good sport about it, though. He agreed that I could pretend I captured him anyway, and that we wouldn't tell anyone that he wasn't actually playing. Long story short, this first grader and I remained good friends all the way through grade school and high school, and I still get a big hug from him every time I see him.

The piont of this charming little narrative is that I feel like I'm back on that playground, or perhaps that I never actually left it. The circumstances are a little more different and complex... or are they? It's like I've been chasing after first-graders for all my life and now, at long last, I've finally caught one. And I'm feeling that rush of pride and victory and joy mixed with disbelief that I actually caught one. And I'm just terrified that this one's gonna look at me with those bright blue eyes and tell me that he's not playing, or something equally as deflating.

Is life just one gigantic playground game? Is it true that everythign we need to know we learned in kindergarten?

France gets an A in Douchebaggery

2005-07-17T18:45:00.000-04:00

After rejecting the EU constitution, France is once again being a douchebag by violating EU environmental protection laws.

I'm actually really impressed by France's disregard for the world community. It's almost to the level of the United States.

France, we salute you!

Pathetic...

2005-07-17T00:41:00.000-04:00

So I just looked down to my right and noticed that my CD tower toppled again. It's no big deal. It'll take about ten or fifteen minutes to reload. I just have to find something heavy (a brick perhaps) to put behind it so it won't topple again. But the part that bothers me is that I just NOW noticed it. This means one of two things... either it toppled while I was gone, meaning I would have had to have stepped OVER it to get to my computer, or that it toppled while I was sitting here, which means that I was too wrapped up in whatever I was doing to hear the crash. This concerns me a bit.

Great Grape Nut Fiasco

2005-07-14T17:38:00.000-04:00

For the record, my life is boring enough that I'm writing about cereal eating experiences. If you have brain cells to spare, read on. If not, well you might want to skip this entry.

Every few years or so, I think to myself, "Hey, Grape Nuts! Those sound good!" Now, don't get me wrong. I don't know what instills this strange craving in me... I'm not a "health nut" as they say those who eat Grape Nuts may be accused of being on the commercials. I don't even like crunchy things. So I have no idea why Grape Nuts even crossed my mind, other than the fact that they were indeed in my kitchen.

So I got myself a bowl of Grape Nuts. Poured some milk on 'em, took a bite, and remembered why it was that I never eat Grape Nuts. It's like eating gravel, only with less flavor. So I said to myself, "Self, there has to be something to make these better." I looked around and spotted a bunch of bananas on the counter. And I said, "Aha! Bananas!" So I sliced up a banana and put it on my Grape Nuts.

That made them tolerable for a while. But then the banana was gone. And there were still Grape Nuts left. And I viewed this as a problem. So I went off in search of a solution. And I found the sugar bowl.

So I figured, sugar, I need a spoon, right? Wrong. I had a spoon, but it was already wet and that wouldn't do, so I'd just pour it out of the sugar bowl. That would have worked fine if the sugar hadn't been sticking to itself a bit. Two seconds later I had about two cups of sugar sitting atop my Grape Nuts. "Holy flippin' duck poo," I said quietly to myself. But far be it from me to let that much sugar go to waste (screw the Grape Nuts)... I stirred it in, making more of a goop out of the milk and sugar than anything. I was able to stomach a few bites, but it was just (and you will RARELY hear ME say this) too sweet. So I added more milk. And more Grape Nuts. And I was able to handle it for a little while... then I needed more milk. I got through most of them, but I ended up having to put the rest in a Ziplock Baggie and depositing that baggie in the dumpster. Too much.

Me tummy's a little upset.

I don't know what sort of things I had to do to have bad karma with my breakfast cereal...

2005-07-13T16:58:00.000-04:00

There's something to be said for away messages. They've created an entire subculture. People read other people's away messages for amusement. Someone quoted an away message when addressing some 700 people the other night. That's the first time I've heard anyone do that... "[So-and so]'s away message said it best when it said..."

Has this always been about or has it come about with the birth of broadband internet? People stay connected all the time so they no longer sign off of their instant messengers. "Being Online" no longer means "being connected to the internet" but rather "not being away". Some people are away ALL THE TIME. Kind of defeats the purpose of an away message.

Some people try to be witty in their away messages. Some people just try to let other people know where they are. I have a friend who has been getting a haircut for the past day and a half. I'm a little concerned about him. Some people are ambiguous in their away messages, leaving cryptic messages for people to read, never really knowing if they will actually see them or not... but everyone else wonders, "Are they talking to me?" I had one of those the other night. If that away message was for me, then I would have been the happiest girl in the world, but I'm almost positive it wasn't. I'll really never know.

But I said so in my away message.

I even read the away messages of people I never talk to. People I scarcely know. It's kinda weird... like peeking in a window or something. One guy had something like "I got in trouble" in his away message and I wanted to know why, but I didn't message him because he was away, and I never get to see him to ask him. Here again, I'll never know.

Yah...

2005-07-11T22:43:00.000-04:00

Karma.

Alicia Keys.

Good Song.

Actually.

GREAT song.

Indian Food Curse Cancer, and other happy things :-D

2005-07-11T17:13:00.000-04:00

I am only going to talk about good things today.

I just read a very exciting report suggesting that curcumin, an ingredient in curry, blocks the growth of and may even stimulate the death of melanoma tumor cells. All the more reason to eat delicious Indian food.

Katie Holmes has a clean, freshly washed brain.

Harry Potter 6 has arrived in the warehouses!!! Yeah, that's right, I'm a Harry Potter fan. How can you not be? I can't wait until Saturday! (If you pre-ordered from Amazon.com, they are guaranteeing delivery on the day of the release. I love Amazon.com.)

And finally, Ali G is rumored to be in New York. I hope I run into Borat. I love Borat.

40000 Year Old Footprint

2005-07-09T21:23:00.000-04:00

Scientists claim to have found a 40000 year old footprint in Mexico

I'm a little skeptical, though, because that doesn't look anything like a footprint.

If it is a footprint, whoever made it must have looked like a freak because their foot shape was not normal.

But I really like the stick that they have placed next to it. There aren't any measurements on the stick, but we can be certain that the footprint is approximately stick sized.

What Now?

2005-07-09T00:29:00.000-04:00

I decided to change my posts up today and instead of complaining about my life that I really shouldn't complain about, talk about my views on what is going on in the world right now. Something that needs much greater attention. This is my reaction to Thursday's bombings in London.

First, My thoughts and sympathies go out to everyone affected by the attack on London.

So where now?

Well. If this isn't the excuse for imposing similar laws on the British that the American people have had to suffer for so long that the powers that be have been waiting for, nothing is.

When I say the powers that be, I'm not necessarily referring to Tony Blair and his cabinet, although he and his unelected behind the scenes advisors undoubtedly make up the numbers in the coalition of the willing President Bush has been building around himself since September 11th, 2001.

The powers that be I refer to are the people who former American president and former head of the CIA George Bush senior referred to when he said, "We need to build a new world order". The real powers who control the world. The Bilderberg groups of this world. The secret societies who's members comprise of oil billionaires and newspaper owners. The defense contractors who's profit margins depends upon a continuing need for weapons of mass destruction. Does Dick Cheney's connection to Haliburton ring any bells?

Now, before I run away with what is, admittedly, one part received opinion and one part a healthy disrespect for politicians, let me make it clear that I am not against drafting new legislation, or using existing legislation which actually prevents the kind of attacks we witnessed in London, far from it.

What I am against, and fearful of, is that this will simply serve as another bargaining chip the Bush administration will use to justify the continuation of their drive to impose their will on the rest of the world - or at least the parts of it that have oil and natural resources which powerful lobbyists and billion dollar American businesses want to exploit, in the name of capitalism.

No one could argue that true freedom and democracy isn't preferable to the kind of regimes which are in place in countries such as China, Israel and Zimbabwe, but these aren't the countries on Bush's list of priorities, least of all Israel, who's government deliberately carries out acts of terrorism on their own neighbors every day of the week without so much as even a comment from the white house. Not a single governing officer bats an eyelash in that direction.

Puppet

On a note of respect, which is I believed still deserved despite so many marks against his name, I have to trust that Tony Blair at least thinks he knows what he is doing by sticking so close to Bush. Politically, and this is something Americans especially might not be aware of, Blair and Bush are on opposite sides of the fence. At least in theory.

Blair is supposed to be the leader of the working man's party and Bush's republicans are more aligned to the party of former British prime minister Margaret Thatcher's conservatives. Blair is more of a Clinton than he is a Bush, at least on paper. But today's events and those acts carried out by terror groups in the past, on British and American interests, have brought these two leaders together under a common will to stamp out terrorism - at least that's the public story.

An underling agenda, I believe, is being carried out by the Bush administration, to which I also have to trust even Tony Blair himself is aware of. Bush's agenda to spread the American way around the world plays right into the hands of religions extremists, of which you can count christian fundamentalists on the American side just as surely as you can so-called islamic terror groups on the other.

The people who benefit from the war on terror are the share holders of the same multi-national corporations who's rape and pillage mentality fuels so much hatred for the west in the first place, so who's in control here? The governments we elect or the companies and corporations our very way of life is defined by in this consume or be consumed society?

You want an answer to the ultimate question of "why do these terrorists hate us so much?" Well here's my theory. We have what they want and we ain't in the mood to share it. We want it all to ourselves and now it's too late to simply say to them that we, the ordinary people, didn't mean it to turn out this way. We are just as much a pawn in the game of control as you are. We didn't elect them, they elected themselves.

Why do you trust Bush, Mr. average American voter?
"Well he's strong on terrorists and he's a family man".
NO! You trust Bush because CNN, Fox, NBC and CBS told you to trust him. CBS is a General Electric company. General Electric make weapons of mass destruction for 'our side'. Join the fucking dots!
"Well they attacked us first, they flew a plane into the Pentagon and the world trade centre!"
Yeah? Well where's the wreckage on the lawn in front of the Pentagon? Why was the hole in the side of the Pentagon which was supposedly made by this airplane smaller than the wing span of a 737 but exactly the same size as a bunker buster missile? Why is the head quarters of the biggest military in the world protected by security cameras that don't record major terrorist attacks? Show me the proof that the 9/11 attack on the pentagon wasn't an illusion used to instill fear and I'll show you proof that it was.

*Note. In the documentary "911 In Plane Site", film maker Dave VonKleist presented information which called into question certain aspects of what has generally come to be accepted as the official version of the truth about what happened on the day terrorist stooped to a new low in evil. At the time of watching this film I was skeptical about all but the evidence presented to support the missile attack theory at the Pentagon. However, since the film was released, the former chief economist for the Department of Labor during President George W. Bush's first term, Morgan Reynolds, has commented that the official story about the collapse of the World Trade Centre is "bogus", and that it is more likely that a controlled demolition destroyed the Twin Towers and the adjacent Building No. 7. Which in the film, Mr. VonKleist attempted to demonstrate by highlighting eye whiteness statements, given to news reporters at the time of the twin towers collapse by New York city fire fighters, who recall the smell of cordite, used in controlled explosions, as being unmistakable in the air, and that the buildings appeared to have been "pulled", a term used in the demolition business meaning to bring an unsafe building down in a semi-controlled manner.

2005-07-08T02:14:00.000-04:00

Looks like I'm a do everything myself
Maybe I could use some help
but hell, if ya want somethin' done right
you gotta do it yourself

Maybe life is up and down
but my life's been what till now?
Something crawled up your butt somehow
and that's when things got turned around

I used to be alive
Now I feel pathetic
and now I get it
What's done is done
You just leave it alone and don't regret it

sometimes, and some things, turn into dumb things
and that's when you put your foot down

Why did I have to go meet somebody like you?
(Like you)
Why did you have to go hurt somebody like me?
(Like me)
How could you do somebody like that?
(Like that)
Hope you know that I'm never coming back
(Never coming back)

Looks like I'm a do everything myself
(Everything myself)
Maybe I could use some help
but hell, if ya want somethin' done right
you just do it yourself
(Got it?)

Maybe life is up and down
but my life's been what?
till now (got it)
Soemthing crawled up your butt somehow (got it)
and that's when shit got turned around (got it)

I used to be alive
I'm so pathetic
but now I get it
What's done is done
I know you just leave it alone and don't regret it

sometimes, and some things turn into dumb things
and that's when you put your foot down

Why did I have to go meet somebody like you?
Why did you have to go hurt somebody like me?
How could you do somebody like that?
Hope you know that I'm never comin' back

Why did I have to go meet somebody like you?
Why did you have to go hurt somebody like me?
How could you do somebody like that?
Hope you know that I'm never comin' back

Depending on you is done
Giving to you is done
No more eating, no sleeping, no living
It's all just more giving to you
and I'm done

Depending on you is done
Giving to you is done
No more eating, no sleeping, no living
It's all just more giving to you
and I'm done

The hiding from you is done
The lying from you is done
No more eating, no sleeping, no living
It's all just more giving to you
and I'm done

Why did I have to go meet somebody like you?
Why did you have to go and hurt somebody like me?
How could you do somebody like that?
I hope you know that I'm never coming back

Boys Are So Oblivious....

2005-07-05T22:48:00.000-04:00

So how wrong is it for us girls to want men to know what we want without beating them over the head with it? My girl friends and I had a conversation tonight about how oblivious men are. And it got me thinking about the differences between us girls that "overthink" and "overanalyze" everything versus boys who couldn't catch the hint if it was in front of them. Maybe that's being a little harsh but is it because sometimes us girls wish the guy just knew and understood what' going on in our heads? Instead of us explaining painfully, some of us in mid-tear through the explanation, to them word for word EXACTLY what is wrong.

My "friend" has always told me to be honest, he's not a mind-reader, if I tell him "nothing" is wrong ten times, he'll stop asking cause I had my chance! But don't guys get that sense of what they did or didn't do, without our help? Or is it like when you train dogs? If you don't correct their mistake in 3 seconds, the dog doesn't understand why you are yelling and bantering on. They just stare at you but have NO CLUE what they did.

Well, for any man that reads this rambling blog, I apologize if you were offended by any of my comments...but I'm sure you'll get over it in 3 seconds or less.

Taking Responsibility

2005-07-03T22:22:00.000-04:00

most people never like to take responsibility for anything negative. i wish i didn't have to either. it sucks that i do, and it sucks that i am only human after all, and it fucken sucks that i have made mistakes really huge mistakes that will fuck up everything. i cant seem to ever do anything right. im just such a terrible person. my mistake should never have happened because it happened to many times before and i promised myself and other people that it would never happen agian. but it did. and it hurts. its hurts me. and it will hurt people that i dont want to hurt. everything hurts, i am in too much pain to even think coherently, well thats always but tonite lets blame everything on the bruised heart. in an ideal world i shouldn't be hurt but its not an ideal world and i am hurting a lot. its all my fault. it would have been easier to know that things didn't go bad because of me. when u r the one to be blamed, its only natural to feel like shit. i can' t think. i cant stop crying. i cant stop hurting. i feel like this bundle of pressure is pushing on my head. i cant see clearly. i just feel like a puddle of mess. then i can't cry anymore. i just need to sleep, sleep it off right? i wish there was such a thing as sleeping off the pain. i wish i never had to grow up. i wish i never had to feel this pain. and i wish nobody had to feel this pain. and i wish i wasnt the cause of someone's else's pain. i wish that these wishes would come true. but it wont. my pain wont go away. my mistake wont miraculously dissappear. people are still gonna be hurt. and its all my fault. all because im so stupid and i just dont know when to turn my back on someone. the someone who has walked all over my heart for so long over and over again. why cant i stop this someone from hurting me. why am i so fucking weak. its like deja vu and amnesia all over again. i keep letting this happen over and over again. i know i've done this before and felt the same hurt and cried the same rivers of tears day after day night after night for years. but then someone came into my life. a perfect stranger. oh what a gift this perfect stranger turned out to be. i pushed away and i pushed away but somehow i smiled again and i forgot that pain for two seconds. this perfect stranger helped me forget and get out of the darkest hole that i was in, and even though it was for like two seconds i appreciated it so much. but i became weak again because that perfect person turned around for a split second and fucked everthing up. and now that pain that i had has grown to an all time high. and its so much fuckin worse now because my pain that i had no control over before but had a chance to change is gonna be the cause of someone else's pain. someone who doesnt deserve to be hurt. someone who deserves the best in life. and thats not me. i am so stupid. i just want this to go away. i dont wanna be alone anymore. i dont wanna be hurt. and i dont wanna hurt people tjat really do care about me. im gonna lose a person whos been so great all because i cant turn my back to someone who never cared about me. someone needs to invent a time machine already. i just want time to quickly take away this pain and anger and tears.

Just Wait...

2005-07-02T02:18:00.000-04:00

Id like to share with you the most accurate quote on love Ive ever encountered:

To love is to accept the verdict without bitterness, without regret, without a smidgen of a doubt. When you love, you will get hurt. Accept it as a fact. Its part of the pain-pleasure phenomenon. You cannot love wisely because loving doesnt involve thinking. Thinking results in a conscious choice. But you cannot choose whom to fall in love with. The trick is to wait for the right time...

Were living in such a fast paced world. Its getting harder and harder for me to cope with life. While Im trying to catch up with the world, it keeps on accelerating. More and more each time I find myself wanting to stop and breathe some fresh air.

Why are we in such a hurry? Its not like its the end of the world. Why cant we all slow down and agree to continue with a relatively slower rate? Everyone's competing with one another – intimidating one another. It makes me sick.

And Im not sure whether the actual fact upsets me or the realization that I cant keep up is whats infuriating me.

We are ordinary people. Lets take it slow. This goes to everyone, and for everything. Including school. Including love.

Just wait. Itll be more fulfilling that way.

Return of the Ex....

2005-07-01T22:54:00.000-04:00

What to do, what to do?

What do you do when the ex's start "checking in" on you? You know, "hey whatcha been up to? How's the weather? Seeing anyone?"

How much do you give in to? What do you reveal, keep away? And if they feel like they "made a mistake" how do you react? When should you not give them a second (or third, or fourth or fifth or sixth ect. ect.) chance? Obviously it all depends on what's currently going on with you. Like life is better without them in it, or that life is just better without them in it! OR, could it be that you both were the right people but it was the wrong time kind of thing! Love is such a risky thing. You really don't know what will happen unless you leap, and usually it's head first. [You know, it hurts harder when you go that way, but do we stop ourselves? Of course not =( ]

Is taking back or accepting the ex back in your life a smart decision? Or is it just a disaster waiting to happen? If your the dumper, wouldn't you think it's slimy for trying to hook back up with the one you dumped? And if your the dumpee, do you not feel awkward, since the dumper didn't want to be with you in the first place. (Is this getting more and more complicated?)

Are there rules to this special dance?

Why Don't Guys Talk Like This Anymore

2005-07-01T13:20:00.000-04:00

This is an excerpt from Pride and Prejudice:

"In vain have I struggled. It will not do. My feelings will not be repressed. You must allow me to tell you how ardently I admire and love you."

That line is from Mr. Darcy to Elizabeth. So cute! Hearing that makes me want to just melt right into the ground. I'd be a happy puddle. Now, if I could only get a guy who's not an asshole or psycotic to say that to me.

I don't quite think that will happen anytime soon. Unwantingly (is that a word?) I have become a little untrusting. Opening yourself up to someone then being hurt can really do that to you. Emotions are a tricky business.

God, wouldn't it be easier to have a storybook character to be my lover? Yes! Can't I just pull Mr. Darcy from out of the pages and into my life? I think that I will stop thinking about it and let things happen and fall into place the way they're supposed to. My God---thinking too much is my best quality and worst quality all rolled into one.

I gotta stop that... maybe I should just take up a heroine addiction and live under a freeway pass. That might just be easier. But that won't do, I'm not a fan of needles.

Hmm

2005-06-29T00:45:00.000-04:00

I walked beside the evening sea
And dreamed a dream that could not be
The waves that plunged along the shore
Said only, "Dreamer, dream no more."

Btw......It's okay if you feel like you're spying on me... I feel like you're spying on me too.

Interesting Words:

As you get older three things happen. The first isyour memory goes, and I can't remember the othertwo...
-- Sir Norman Wisdom

Guys are like dogs. They keep coming back. Ladies arelike cats. Yell at a cat one time...they're gone.
-- Lenny Bruce

One of the most difficult things in the world is toc onvince a woman that even a bargain costs money.
-- Edgar Watson Howe

A true friend is one who overlooks your failures andtolerates your success!
-- Doug Larson

When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a newbike. Then I realised that The Lord doesn't work thatway, so I stole one and asked him to forgive me.
-- Erno Philips

I only go to work on days that don't end in a 'y'.
-- Robert Paul

We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.
-- Phyllis Diller

Laughter is the closest distance between two people.
-- Victor Borge

Start every day with a smile and get it over with.
-- W.C. Fields

Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.
-- Will Rogers

Always get married early in the morning. That way, if it doesn't work out, you haven't wasted a whole day.
-- Mickey Rooney

Women now have choices. They can be married, notmarried, have a job, not have a job, be married withchildren, unmarried with children. Men have the samechoice we've always had: work or prison.
-- Tim Allen

If you never want to see a man again, say, 'I loveyou, I want to marry you. I want to have children...'- they leave skid marks.
-- Rita Rudner

I'm not afraid to die. I just don't want to be therewhen it happens.
-- Woody Allen

Advice is what we ask for when we already know theanswer but wish we didn't.
-- Erica Jong

Don't take life too seriously, you'll never get out ofit alive.
-- Elbert Hubbard

Always and never are two words you should alwaysremember never to use.
-- Wndell Johnson

In life, it's not who you know that's important,it's how your wife found out.
-- Joey Adams

I've been in love with the same woman for forty-oneyears. If my wife finds out, she'll kill me.
-- Henry Youngman

Have you noticed that all the people in favour ofbirth control are already born ?
-- Benny Hill

Is There A Such Thing...

2005-06-26T21:20:00.000-04:00

The other day something got me pondering over the existence..or rather, the possibility of what they go on and on about as unconditional love. And i was pretty much surprised at myself when i finally came to the conclusion that it does not...cannot exist. The rationale was based mostly on two factors , one, that expecting is human nature and much as you fight it, it will, at some level somehow creep in, and even if u began loving unconditionally(or so u thought), there will come a point where you will begin to expect the same, and there goes unconditionality out of the window.

The second factor is much simpler- even unconditionality is a condition.

Now that is all very good. But the funny part is that for years, the idealist in me has prevailed over realist...at least as far as thoughts go. And the idealist has been supressed, bashed up, hammered down, but bottomline is, it has prevailed. Now, however, i feel the realist winning more often, and practicality constantly disrupting the romantic trend of thought. And i don't know whether to be thrilled or... well...not thrilled.

Maybe it's just the heat.

The Long Awaited Return

2005-06-25T03:03:00.000-04:00

I know I haven't posted in a long time...and I am truely sorry about it. I just have been too busy lately. Work and school is leaving me with no time to play. But I'm not complaining. I chose to do this myself. It keeps me busy and helps me not think about things that I really shouldn't think about. Anyways I finally got a chance to get me some blogger time. SO, I really dont have anything interesting to talk about cause my life is boring. I'll just talk about random news.

Apparently they're using contraceptives to control the geese population in Oregon. This begs the question, "How do they get the geese to put on a condom?"

Oprah Winfrey was turned away at the door of Hermes Paris. Poor poor Oprah! How could they do that to her! If only she could somehow use her $200 million to comfort herself...

Holy crap, this guy really killed a leopard with his bare hands! And he's 73 years old! Well that makes me feel even more useless.

A man got shot in the mouth and then decided that he wanted to take a nap and went home. After waking up, he went to the hospital to have the bullet removed from his tongue.

A 95-year old Japanese man set a new world's record for the 100-meter dash in the 95-99 age group. He came in at 22.04 seconds. Big deal. I could totally smoke his ass.

Let me be a testimonial for the power of prayer. I've been praying ever since "The Beach" for DiCaprio to be hit in the head by a bottle. And finally God has answered my prayers.

A serious post....

2005-06-09T23:03:00.000-04:00

Sometimes I want to pull out my hair, seriously, just pull it all out. It would be easier to be bald, anyway. Less hair care.

I feel (almost constantly) that there is this ENORMOUS pressure put on us to succeed. And if you fail, they might as well just ship you off to Cuba or something to hang with Fidel. You might as well just be an outcast or something.

There is a great pressure that has been placed on my shoulders--from my parents, from society, from the world--telling me that I better make the right decisions here and now. I'm 20, people! I know I bring up my age a lot. But I find it funny and ironic that many view 20 as an adult age (in terms of consequences), but when it comes sense about life, no one would take a 20-year-old's rantings seriously.

And, I don't really expect people to take me seriously. I'm young and foolish, what can I say? Even my keen logic doesn't save me from experimenting from time to time. I blame it on my age.

What is success, anyway? Wealth, family, love, pride? What I define as success may not be another person's success. The bland definition of success in the dictionary goes as follows: To accomplish something desired or intended. Then, those dictionary bastards had to add this quote in there: “Success is counted sweetest/By those who ne'er succeed” (Emily Dickinson). Yep. I can relate with that freakin' quote. The grass is greener, right?

The real pressure I feel--the pressure that haunts me every night before i go to sleep--the pressure to not fail. There hasn't been a moment in my life where I've really messed up. There have been small hiccups here and there, but overall I've been the good kid. Maybe that's why my parents are so hopeful.

Maybe I don't want all the hope placed on my shoulders. Maybe I just want peace of mind. In another way, however, the pressure drives me to keep on going. Maybe the pressure is a blessing in disguise. I imagine I will get gray hair from thinking about it too much.

A Chinese Proverb...

2005-06-08T00:35:00.000-04:00

If I keep a green bough in my heart, a Singing bird will come.

I guess you can interpret the meaning many different ways. My way goes something to the effect of "if you believe you can do it, opportunity will come knockin'." Yeah, I don't know how to make that sound less cheesy. The point is, I can relate with this proverb in my life right about now. I'm approaching crossroads, and it's the scariest thing I've EVER seen. It's my future up ahead, and I'm still wondering if I'm gonna make it in the "real world," if we wanna call it that. I'm not yet worried about marriage, nope, or families or any of that. The thing that is scaring the HELL out of me is the idea of a career. What am I going to do? Where am I going to live? Will I really make it to medical school? Will I ever really become a doctor? SOO many people have the same dream as me, but never see it through. Will I join them?

The frightening part is that I've never had things so undecided before me...the path is usually clear. But this one is covered with moss and haze and branches and spiders...any road block you could imagine.This is where the proverb comes in. It's my job to believe I can get through it. When you believe, the path makes a way for you, or rather, you make a way through it. You don't take no for an answer. I can say it, but the hard part is actually taking it into my life and working it into my decisions and actions.

Alright, alright. I'll end this proverb nonsense

Oh Music These Days....(Or Back in 1999)

2005-06-03T17:35:00.000-04:00

Here are some highly innovative, remarkably creative lines provided to us by LFO. oh god, remember "Summer Girls":

"There was a good man named Paul Revere, I feel much better baby when you're near."

"I'll steal your honey like I stole your bike."

"I like the color purple, macaroni-and cheese"

"New Kids on the Block had a bunch of hits, Chinese food makes me sick"

"Billy Shakespeare wrote a whole bunch of sonnets"

Listen guys, I don't think William appreciates you calling him "Billy." And what the hell does Paul Revere have to do with some chick your singing to? Lastly, you losers, you never stole my bike...you were too stupid to ever know how to ride a bike.

How Are You?

2005-06-02T23:33:00.000-04:00

Naturally, I don't really want to know. But that question gets asked thousands of times a day by people just like me who don't really care how the heck you really are. Which makes one wonder why we even bother to ask. Why not just stop at "hi" - or "hello" for the more formal out there. After all, what do we really do armed with the information that the person we just encountered is fine. Or good maybe. Or perhaps they'll say lousy but we know they're really being sarcastic. Of course, if we truly detect that lousy is an honest assessment of how they are, we can use that information to run as fast as we can the other way just in case they may look to us for some desperate measure of help. Yes, there is that benefit - but on the other hand, we probably never would have learned of their despair if we hadn't asked in the first place. So again, why bother?

There are those who don't inquire as to how we are but instead wonder "what's going on". This is a tricky one. The standard response of course is "not much" or "same ol' same ol'". But unlike "fine", which implies that life is generally going along as it should, what does "not much" really say about us? One could say they're fine until they're blue in the face and still feel okay about themselves. Say not much is going on for too long and maybe you'll realize you need to get a life! I think I prefer to be asked how I am.

The obligatory follow up to hello has become so ingrained in our society that I'm afraid we couldn't simply drop the practice just like that. The pregnant pause following "hi" would likely render an uncomfortable chuckle as passing greeters quickly look the other way and move on. Maybe the moment could be filled with more meaningful inquiries such as "where did you buy those pants?" or "was that your girlfriend/boyfriend I saw last night?" The possibilities are limitless. In fact, I encourage - no, dare - you to ask the next person you greet some more meaningful question. Something that tells them you really are interested in how they respond.

As for me, I'm fine.

Moving on..

Well, today I realized that some people are just born stupid. They adore people who are obviously more stupid than them, and like them, don't have the slightest idea that the world doesn't revolve around them!

Undo the Corset --- BREAK FREE!!!

2005-06-01T12:47:00.000-04:00

I am SO SICK AND TIRED of girls telling me that they look ugly. SO tired of it!
I am SO TIRED of having to reassure girls that no, they do not look ugly, and yes, they are beautiful. But they don't believe me. They just believe that they are decent, mediocre at best. WHAT THE HELL!?

Will someone please please please define "ugly" for me...is it defined as not looking exactly like the skinny anorexic chick in Vogue magazine who eats half a celery stick and a raisin? Is it having a few more flaws than all the annoying movie stars who are magically airbrushed in all their pictures? WHY do we constantly have to feel like we're the ugly ones?

I know a lot of it has to do with impressing guys. I suppose we all know the formula goes something like this: a guy thinks we look hot=we get a boyfriend=we eventually get married=we have kids=our whole life depends on looking hot. WHAT THE FUCKING HELL? Who made that crap up? They should be thrown out into burning coal and shot. And then they should be shot again.

I say this with anger because I've felt it too. I've felt hideous and ugly and unwanted and unbeautiful and all those things...all because of this fucking standard we're told we NEED to live up to. The saddest part is that 95% of girls seriously go by this standard. We're all trapped, together, and only the trapped ones can truly change it. But how does one go about changing a system? We're drowning in our own pools of lip gloss and hair gel and face toner and there seems to be no way out. I DON"T know how to go about changing it.

The part that kills me is that the girls that told me they were "ugly" are all so beautiful. They are all so smart and quick with jokes and caring and they have SO MUCH MORE TO OFFER than what they look like. And because this pool of beauty standards is keeping them all down and drowning their intelligent minds, they think that they're ugly people...even though they're BEAUTIFUL.

I don't really know where I'm going with this argument. It's not put together well, hell, I don't even think it makes sense. I'm just mad about all the crap girls have to go through everyday. If I sound like a feminist, so be it...I'll stop bathing for an added effect (haha, well maybe not, I love showers too much). I just want the judgement to stop, and for us (my friends and me included and all the girls of the world) to FINALLY realize that, yes, we are beautiful because WE SAY that we are. Not you, not the magazines, not any boys....just us, our shining personalities and our flaw-filled beauty.

Ebert, Robert and Sara (The Best Critics)

2005-05-31T20:22:00.000-04:00

Last night I was watching the news and they said that the amount of people going to movies has declined from last year. It was funny to see them search through all these reasons: the movies are getting bad, people just buy dvds now, etc. Maybe I was the only one to think this, but they left out the most important reason (those dumbasses)--THE PRICE!

Insolent fools! hehehe, no just kidding. But really, the price is a huge factor. I, spent $9, count em, $9 the other day to go see a silly J Lo movie. Well I didn't spend my own money, but you get the idea. I've heard recently that they're going to raise it to $10. Maybe this is just the crazy price in New York, but I definitely don't go see random movies anymore...they have to be referred to me by a friend or they have to have some hot actor in them (haha, come on...you like the hot actors too!).

I just had to bring this factor up to attention, since the TV reporters missed it...idiots!

I just don't want movie theaters to go away (the news brought up this point). There's something magical about the atmosphere there that you can never duplicate--right down to the crying baby 2 rows ahead of you. That's why we love movie theaters, we love everything about them.

And where else would I see Michael Vartan's face 20 feet high? Just a dvd wouldn't suffice. So please, guys, stop raising the prices and keep the movie theaters around. You'll surely see a change in attendance.

The World...

2005-05-30T15:01:00.000-04:00

So the wedding is over. Everything went perfect. Everything was beautiful. And yes, I cried A LOT. Too much went on to write it all down, so if you want to know the details and want to see the pictures, feel free to contact me.

There are a lot of friends I've been meaning to call lately, but I haven't had much time. Work for the wedding and work itself has been consuming my every minute. People aren't made to work this much, so why do we? Why do we grind ourselves down to the bone to "have a living?" What kind of living is it to only work and pay bills. I don't see much life going on there.

I guess that's why I am going to college. Hopefully when I graduate I will get a job that makes me happy. I wish we could be a little more like Italy and set aside 3 hours every day to have lunch with the family. They seem to have their priorities straight.

To my friends, I will call you this week! Seriously now, I'm not kidding. I know that I need to get my priorities straight.

Oh, and yay! I get to go to the mall today and shop around :) Heck yes Memorial Day Sale!

On another note...

A not-so-exact quote from Kingdom of Heaven, which I saw last night with my cousins:

"Where will we end up? (the girl asks, and beautiful Orlando answers) The world will decide. The world always does decide."

That's a good answer to a question I often ask myself. Where will I end up? Will I be rich? Will I be happy? Will I be homeless? Will I make a difference? Will I be selfish? Will I be selfless?

The world will decide, I guess.

Did you know: Barbara Walters is 75. I didn't quite know her age. But she's pretty high on the age scale. Not everyone likes her, I'm sure. Her voice is pretty annoying. But I respect her for what she's done in her life. Think of all the souls she's interviewed. From the good to bad (remember Fidel Castro?), I have to respect her inquisitive nature and contribution to the world of journalism. It's pretty cool, to say the least. Especially because she made it in a time when women were not supposed to be on top or in the spotlight (in a man's job).

I want a life like that. Not famous, but fufilling. I'm guessing that she's fufilled, of course.

It's a weird place to be young. To have all the world before you and all the opportunity brushing your finger tips, but all the fears and disasterous thoughts that go along with being in such a position. It's scary. I know I need to take a step foward, but which way do I go? And will it be the right way? This kind of questioning can drive a person mad and be exciting at the same time.

It's almost like going into battle. Am I prepared? Is my shield big enough and are my weapons better than the person battling me?

I guess the answer won't be found until I actually go into battle. What is there to learn hiding behind the brick wall? Eventually that wall will be breached by the enemy, so fighting is in order.

The world will decide. The world always does decide.

A Special Message

2005-05-29T16:22:00.000-04:00

A Small Update....

2005-05-24T00:50:00.000-04:00

I haven't really had a chance to write anything recently cause of finals and the upcoming wedding. Between these two things I literally have had no time to sleep. And I had to pack to move back home.

I am so tired. When you move from one world to the next, tiredness tends to bring ya down.

School and home seriously are two different worlds. I like to have some quiet, at school I get plenty of it, but at home I'd be lucky if I'm left alone for 30 seconds. Also, it's really hard to go from packing, to moving, to working without any real rest. It's 12:50 right about now, and I'm dozing off as I type. Can you say Sara is a little old lady? hehe, I'm so tired, I'd probably slur that a little myself.

Wow. I feek as if I am going absolutely crazy. It's the lack of sleep. I'm off to bed, I shall update soon ( i hope).

Growing Confusion

2005-05-14T17:50:00.000-04:00

Wow, a lot of things in life are quite confusing. Trying to understand life, love, work, responsibilities and all its reprecussions can be included in that statement.

I feel as though I am in a maze right now. My shallow breathing is my only guide as I make my way through the prickly, dark green walls. The hedges are so high at this point that I'm left unsure and a little doubtful. How does one get out of this place?

I know how this little maze was built. In my mind of course; furnished by fear. I can't help but be a little fearful of the future. I'm envious of those that can just "roll with the punches" in life. I've always been the one to avoid the punches and avoid pain. Here, I feel as though I am placing myself right in the center of the flame. I am completely vulnerable to getting burned.

I'm giving myself a bit of a headache. It's like I'm happy about the situation and worried and upset at the same time. I'm confused to as to whether this is what I want my future to lead to or want things to go back to how it was before. I want to go back to 2nd grade! My only concerns then were when recess would come and if I'd get that extra piece of chocolate from my mom.

Why must every upside have a downfall? I need to stop asking stupid questions.

Being excited and hesitant all at once is a weird state to be in. Where is the end of the maze? A straight line would be oh-so-easier right about now.

Brain for sale!

2005-05-14T02:14:00.000-04:00

Please...someone take away my over-analytical brain. I don't need it, it's quite a burden! I'll sell it for $99.99. You can have this sweet deal!

I worry too much. I think too much. It's just too much. I exasperate myself over situations that shouldn't be exasperating.

I should learn how to listen to my heart, that's where real knowledge is found.

Nature really does have an Effect..

2005-05-13T19:23:00.000-04:00

It is soooooooo beautiful out today. The breeze is just the right amount, the sun is giving off the perfect amount of heat and the world is giving me a hug today.

Wasn't that a put-your-finger-down-your-throat-and-throw-up kind of sentence? Yeah, sorry for the sheer gushiness of it. I'm simply having an excellent day.

On another subject, isn't it funny how little we actually use cold hard cash anymore? I went shopping the other day and whipped out my debit card like it was change in my pocket. But for one of the transactions, I actaully bothered to open my wallet up (like it's hard) and notice the pretty little 10 sittting in there. Ex-Prez Hamilton was staring up at me and saying (through his paper mouth) "why the hell aren't you using me dammit?" So I abided by the ex-president and spent my paper/linen money. Wow, it's been awhile since I've spent some good ol' commodity money. What? Money backed by actual reserves? What a concept!

This is why credit cards are dangerous. Witnessing myself giving the cashier a 10 sent a signal to my brain...in turn I realized that I was spending 10 dinero. When I give out my credit card I usually don't pay attention to how much I'm spending until I check my receipt.

This also means that I have nonchallantly signed the reciept given back to the store. For all I know, the reciept could say something to the effect of "Aeropostale is in partnership with the devil and we now own your soul." I wouldn't even know! That's so sad.

Maybe I should kick my lazy ass into shape and make a trip to the ATM machine more often...God forbid I have to walk anywhere! My cousin said that we should make moving sidewalks, so we don't have to walk anywhere. Hmmm...yes cousin, let's make America even lazier than we already are! Walking and paying with actual cash are concepts that are a little hard for us Americans. It's funny how the world changes subtlely and slowly, but in big ways.

Oh well, as long as the sun is shining and the trees are rustling in the breeze I will be happy. As long as we continue to preserve nature, life will go on.

Always Finding Time...

2005-05-13T06:05:00.000-04:00

Everytime I tell myself I'm too busy to write in this little thing, I always end up writing in it. Do I really have time right now to be dilly-dallying? Nope, not so much. But the way I see it, this blog is the eye of the storm; the tranquil place between giant worlds of madness. This is a place to purge my thoughts and feelings.

It's good that I find solace in writing, especially today. It's not necessarily a bad day, just a bit depressing when looking at the list I have to accomplish:

First, go to work
Finish my HUI 235 Final Paper on a book I didn't bother to read
Start Studying for Microbio and Bio 203
Take Microbio final Monday Morning
Take Bio 203 final Tuesday morning

My wonderful to-do list that is. Not a gret way to start a day...but wi'll see. Things always have a way of turning out differently than you think. I just wish i had room on my list for "relaxing" or "sleeping." I guess those things have to take a back burner today.

It's That Time Of Year Again....

2005-05-11T00:01:00.000-04:00

Yes, Ladies and Gentlemen. That time of year that we all love has arrived once again (a little too soon if you ask me).

The dreaded final's week is upon us once again.

I must go slap physics and its fellow mates on the wrist for being so naughty all semester. But before I leave, here are a couple of very useful duas/prayers for all us students in this time of stress. There are english translations for those that don't understand the arabic words. Make dua that I kill my exams and I make dua for you all. Good Luck!!!

DUA BEFORE STUDYING

Allahumma infa'nii bimaa O Allah! Make useful for me what You
'allamtanii wa'allimnii taught me and teach me knowledge
maa yanfa' unii. that will be useful to me.

Allahumma inii as'aluka O Allah! I ask You for the understanding
fahmal-nabiyyen wa hifthal of the prophets and the memory of the
mursaleen al-muqarrabeen. messengers, and those nearest to You.

Allahumma ijal leesanee O Allah! Make my tongue full of
'amiran bi thikrika wa Your remembrance, and my heart with
qalbi bi khashyatika. consciousness of You.

Innaka 'ala ma-tasha'-u (O Allah!) You do whatever You wish,
qadeer wa anta hasbun-allahu and You are my Availer and
wa na'mal wakeel. Protector and the best of aid.

DUA AFTER STUDYING

Allahhumma inni astaodeeuka O Allah! I entrust You with what I
ma qara'tu wama hafaz-tu. have read and I have studied.
Faradduhu 'allaya inda (O Allah!) Bring it back to me when
hagati elayhi. I am in need of it.

Innaka 'ala ma-tasha'-u (O Allah!) You do whatever You wish,'
qadeer wa anta hasbeeya and You are my Availer and
wa na'mal wakeel. Protector and the best of aid.

DUA WHILE STUDYING SOMETHING DIFFICULT

Allahumma la sahla illama O Allah! Nothing is easy except what
ja-'altahu sahla wa anta taj You have made easy. If You wish, You
'alu al hazana etha shi'ta sahla can make the difficult easy.

DUA FOR ANXIETY

Allahumma inni a'oodhoo bika O Allah! I seek refuge in You from anxiety
minal-hammi walhuzni, wal-'ajzi and sorrow, weakness and laziness,
wal-kasali wal-bukhli wal-jubni, miserliness and cowardice, the burden of
wa dal'id-dayni wa ghalabatir-rajaal debts and from being oppressed by men.

DUA FOR DISTRESS

Allahumma rahmataka arjoo falaa O Allah! It is Your mercy that I hope for
takilnee ilaa nafsee tarfata so do not leave me in charge of my affairs
'aynin wa aslih-lee sha'nee even for a blink of an eye and rectify
kullahu, laa ilaha illa anta for me all of my affairs. None has the right to be
worshipped except You.

Ameen.

What Are The Keys To Your Heart?

2005-05-10T00:04:00.000-04:00

I need a reason to procrastinate. This seems good enough, Don't you think so?

The Keys to Your Heart

You are attracted to those who are unbridled, untrammeled, and free.

In love, you feel the most alive when your lover is creative and never lets you feel bored.

You'd like to your lover to think you are loyal and faithful... that you'll never change.

You would be forced to break up with someone who was emotional, moody, and difficult to please.

Your ideal relationship is lasting. You want a relationship that looks to the future... one you can grow with.

Your risk of cheating is zero. You care about society and morality. You would never break a commitment.

You think of marriage as something precious. You'll treasure marriage and treat it as sacred.

In this moment, you think of love as something you don't need. You just feel like flirting around and playing right now.

What Are The Keys To Your Heart?

How Liberal / Conservative are you?

2005-05-09T23:49:00.000-04:00

Your Political Profile

Overall: 30% Conservative, 70% Liberal

Social Issues: 25% Conservative, 75% Liberal

Personal Responsibility: 0% Conservative, 100% Liberal

Fiscal Issues: 25% Conservative, 75% Liberal

Ethics: 50% Conservative, 50% Liberal

Defense and Crime: 50% Conservative, 50% Liberal

How Liberal / Conservative Are You?