Wednesday, December 14, 2005

What to do....What to do.....

Do u know wut the worst feeling in the world is? Its the feeling you get when you need something sooooo bad, and you need it more then u've ever needed anything in ur life. And you had it for a while, but you lost it, it just dissapeared one day without a trace except ur broken heart. But then it came back and u almost have it again. Its just like a centimeter away from the grasps of your hand. And your so excited and happy and forget all that pain you had when u lost it because finally you think that hole in your heart is going to get patched up.

But then reality comes and slaps you across the face for the umpteenth time and reminds you that you dont deserve to fill that void in your heart. Then something comes and takes it away...something so small takes away your chance of finally being happy and getting that one thing that u cant live without and have longed for, for so long.

All the things that you have done...all the time and energy that you have wasted on that one thing....its like it doesnt even matter....you had made that one thing sooo important in your life, it became one of your top priorites, something nearest and dearest to your heart...and it doesnt even matter...nothing matters...because in the end, no matter what, that thing will never realize ur importance and appreciate all that you have done.

That thing will never realize that all that needs to be done to be forgiven is so simple....as simple as just filling that void that something left so long ago....

So when people say time heals all wounds, they are just bullshitters. Wounds that deep dont get healed. They just get scarred enough to cover up but will never be completely whole again. Because wounds never fully heal, they will always remain and can be literally busted open again and again causing the same pain and frustrations....only to have new scar tissue build up covering the old ones. And if its opened again...both the new and old scar tissues pain are exposed...and its just a never ending cycle until u loose the ability to fall and bust open that wound.


I wonder when i'm gonna lose the ability to fall......am i ever going to stop getting slapped in the face because i dont know when to turn my back?

Sunday, December 11, 2005

finals! for the next 2 weeks im hibernating; see you in the libary!

Sunday, December 04, 2005

remember when getting high meant swinging at the playground, the worst thing you could get from the opposite sex was cooties, your enemies were your teachers or your siblings, race issues was who ran the fastest, war was a card game, the only drugs you knew was cough medicine and a girl that wore a skirt didn't have to be a slut; the only thing that hurt was skinned knees and the only things that can be broken were your toys. life was simple and care free, but what i remember the most was wanting to grow up.

and now that i somewhat have....i just wanna go back...

You were always the one to depend on me, not the other way around. So in the end, it's ultimately your loss. It's not my fault that you don't understand what it entails to maintain any kind of relationship, friendship or otherwise. Remember, I've always had important people by my side. You're the one who always drove the ones who loved you away. With all that lecturing that you do, i should hope that you'll learn to take your own advice one day. So it's great. I finally figured out that i dont need the likes of you. i'm finally at the point where im happy with most things in my life that having you in it would only be a complete waste of time. I say good riddens to bad rubbish.

Thursday, December 01, 2005

Have you ever been in love? Horrible, isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens your heart and it means someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses. You build up this whole armor, for years, so nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life... You give them a piece of you. They don't ask for it. They do something dumb one day like tell you they love you and smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple phrases turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It's a soul-hurt, a body-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. I hate love.

"My Immortal"

I'm so tired of being here
Suppressed by all my childish fears
And if you have to leave
I wish that you would just leave
Cause your presence still lingers here
And it won't leave me alone
These wounds won't seem to heal
This pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase

When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears
And I held your hand through all of these years
But you still have
All of me

You used to captivate me
By your resonating light
Now I'm bound by the life you left behind
Your face it haunts
My once pleasant dreams
Your voice it chased away
All the sanity in me

These wounds won't seem to heal
This pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase

I've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone
But though you're still with me
I've been alone all along

When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears
And I held your hand through all of these years
But you still have
All of me