Saturday, August 27, 2005

Automatic Frown Eraser...

Do you ever have those days where you feel like you don't have anything together? If you answered yes, then it is possible that you have that in common with many other people. I think it is possible that everyone has a day where they feel like nothing is right in there lives. Maybe it isn't even limited to one day maybe it could be a week or two in a row. So that begs the question, what do we do about it? Is there a solution to this problem? I think that there is a short term solution, but no long term one. For the days where we can't seem to find anything going right for us, those are the days that we need our friends the most. Those also seem to be the days that we want to be around people the least. It could also be said that since we all have those days when we feel like poopy, that we could share some of those days in common. So we can commiserate and share in our poo together. Fun poo sharing! The important thing on the poo days is to overcome the urge to be alone and find someone to spend time with. I know that there could be two things that could be argued:
1. Is it bad to want to be alone?
2. What if there is a person who has no one?

Here are what I see to be some answers:

1. It is not bad to spend some time alone, collecting our thoughts can be a good thing. But spending seven days being down is going a little overboard. I like to be alone. I enjoy spending time trying to straighten out my head a little. But, I have learned to put a stop to that after a couple of days. Eventually you need to stop and go spend some time with friends. I can say that every time I have wanted to just stay home but decided to go out with friends I have ended up coming home in a good mood.

2. As for those unfortunate souls who are sitting there thinking, "I have no one to spend time with." Then I have two things for you to contemplate. The first is to stop being an a-hole and be nice to people. Okay, okay, maybe that is a little harsh. Let's try this one...spend those alone days doing some self analysis and see if there are some things you need to work on in regards to the ways that you treat others. Maybe your rude, maybe your creepy, maybe your grumpy, or maybe your like me and have become a professional at making everyone feel just a little awkward with really dumb jokes. Whatever the case may be, all it takes is a little effort and the people in your life will come around. Most of us are surprisingly forgiving. The other more likely solution to the second problem is that you do have people in your life, you are just too down to see it. You have turned down the phone calls so many times that people stopped calling. All you need to do is make a phone call and get things rolling again. So this may not be the whole answer. I may be oversimplifying things. The truth is that this solution works for me. As for the long term solution I will say again, THERE IS NOT ONE. Bad days will happen. There is no avoiding that fact. There is no witty saying that is going to make that less true. There is no automatic frown eraser that I know of.

If I find one I will let you know.

Thursday, August 25, 2005

When I was your age....

This morning I was flipping through radio stations on the drive through hell (the 375) on my way to work and I came across Mr. Seacrest's morning show. Ry gives out random shit, uh, like, every damn day, and right now he's planning to deck out some whiny school kids on their way back to school. So, in his quest to figure out exactly what teenagers want these days, he started reading all kinds of polls and research.

And Ry found a list -- I don't remember where it was from, and I can't find it on the net -- of the top 10 goodies kids are asking their parents to buy them. Some of the items topping the list -- Chanel Bronzer (WTF?!), True Religion jeans (NO!), the Motorola Razr (you've got to be kidding me), Pumas (one of the better ones)...I was waiting for him to list Mercedes Benz models and prime property locations.

What the hell is with kids today?!

Ok, let me preface the rest of this by saying that I know some of the people reading this have kids and I have NO IDEA how you raise them in this kind of environment! I have the utmost respect for all of you.

What makes children think they can ask their parents for CHANEL BRONZER?! I'll admit that when I was growing up I had it pretty good. My parents tried to do the best for me and my brother, and I'd say they did a wonderful job. Granted, we're both a little spoiled, but we're humble enough to appreciate the things we've been given.

But really, the way children are going these days I'm starting to doubt if I want to bring any into this world. I was 98% sure I wanted kids, and now I just don't know anymore. What happen to respect? Do you know how many kids I see running amuck while parents stand by and chat with neighbors, pick out peaches in the grocery store, try to calm crying siblings, etc.? Since when was it ok to ask your parents for top-of-the-line cell phones so you can talk to your mid-pubescent boyfriend about absolutely NOTHING of consequence?

I know I really have no right to be talking because I don't have kids and I don't understand the pressures of raising them, but...I do know that, yes, kids get crazy and cranky and pushy and just plain bitchy; but I also know that some are much, much worse than others and most times I just end up wondering who the hell raised those assholes?

Monday, August 22, 2005

too many pieces fell
nothing left to mend it well

happiness is the cost
all hope is then lost

memories will haunt
songs will then taunt

tears will then dry
nothing left in the eye

roles will be assigned
ready is the play's design

truth will be hid
covered up with a lid

smile as the days go by
cry as the night does die

ability to trust does fade
a stone heart then is made

weakness lingers no longer
these lies have only made me stronger

Lies after Lies. I dont know what to believe anymore. Is there any trustworthy people left in the world?

Drifting away with a broken heart....

Saturday, August 20, 2005

Ice Cream Does a Body Good...

It is hard to get my head around why doors open up and then seem to close when I try to walk through them. People keep telling me that I will understand one day why things happen the way they do. I understand the reasons that they say that, but I don't know if it is as true as I once thought and hoped it to be. I can't get my head around why I feel so sure that Allah has certain plans for me and then He decides to change them. All I get is more questions. The hardest thing to hear is everyone telling me, "if you think he was great, imagine how amazing the one Allah wants for you will be." Because in my heart I still have faith and for some stupid reason want to believe that he is the one and he is just not listening to what God wants, but what he wants for himself. So in this case I have the faith, but is it will can I know???

All the questions and all the frustrations are what bring me to the decision that I may not be designed to be with anyone. I am desperate for the peace of my heart . I long for the guidance, understanding, and wisdom that only Allah can bring. I guess I need to learn to ignore that huge part of my heart that longs to be loved by him, and replace it with love for myself.

I don't feel like I have anyone to pour my heart out to. I can pray and it helps but I have to admit it is not the same as having a shoulder to lean on. I am confused and my emotions are going a million miles an hour. I want to feel centered. I want that feeling that is supposed to be within me to fill me with laughter. How do I get it? So many questions.

You know what....

I just need some ice cream.

Tuesday, August 16, 2005

Faith, Humility and Wisdom

I cannot seem to figure out the lessons that I am supposed to be learning during this challenging time. I know that I am being put through what I would like to believe is a refining fire of sorts, but I don't know where it is going to go. I never know. This endless cycle hurts like crazy. I hate not knowing. I am starting to believe that I am transitioning in to a time in my life where I am actually supposed to be alone, completely on my own, with no support. That scares me because I hate being alone. I almost feel like it is time for me to realize that I am not meant to be with anyone ever. Maybe I will never be good enough.

All I can do is ask for faith like I have never asked for it before. I have got to learn to trust that what Allah is doing now, and what he is going to do, is best for me. In my head I know it is true, but that truth is having a hard time making it to my broken and hurting heart. Perhaps the more faith I have the more open my life will be to what Allah wants to do in it.

The second thing I want is humility. I want to be humble. I am currently being humbled through this time, but I want to learn to have a sincere humility in all I do. I don't want to seek credit or acknowledgement. I want to learn to just do my best because it is what I owe the people around me, and Allah for that matter. I feel like humility will help me seek to make myself feel better, and strive more toward simply being content.

I do seek wisdom. I want find more truth in my life. Everything feels so wrong right now. I think that some wisdom about things will help me find more shaanthi. I need some shaanthi.

Saturday, August 13, 2005

When will the tears stop....

What did I do ALLAH! Why do I get hurt so much! I do everything to not be selfish, I sacrifice my wants and needs to fullfil others' wants and needs. Yet I'm the one who is in so much pain. I have never hurt anyone in my life. Why did I do to deserve this kind of pain?? I never wished this kind of pain on anyone! There is no justice in this constant burnALLAh! I pray and I pray for everyone to be happy. And nothing comes out of it except for my pain. I just want some peace in my heart....Why can't I just get that simple thing I ask for? Why am i ALWAYS used and walked all over and thrown to the side like trash???

Slowly Withering away....

One tear after another.....

Friday, August 12, 2005

Foolish Games

You took your coat off, and stood in the rain.
You were always crazy like that.
And I watched from my window,
Always felt I was outside looking in on you.

You were always the mysterious one with
dark eyes and careless hair.
You were fashionably sensitive,
but too cool to care.
You stood in my doorway,
with nothing to say,
Besides some comment on the weather.

Well in case you failed to notice,
In case you failed to see,
This is my heart,
bleeding before you,
This is me down on my knees.

And these foolish games are tearing me apart,
And your thoughtless words are breaking my heart...
You're breaking my heart.Y

ou were always brilliant in the morning:
Smoking your cigarettes, and talking over coffee.
Your philosophies on art, Baroque moved you;
You loved Mozart,
And you'd speak of your loved ones,
As I clumsily strummed my guitar.

You teach me of honest things,
Things that are daring, things that are clean,
Things that knew what an honest dollar did mean.
I hid my soiled hands behind my back,
Somewhere along the line I must have gone of track with you.

Excuse me, think I've mistaken you for somebody else:
Somebody who gave a damn,
Somebody more like myself.

And these foolish games are tearing me,
You're tearing me, you're tearing me apart.
And your thoughtless words are breaking my heart...
You're breaking my heart.

You took your coat off and stood in the rain;
You were always crazy like that.

The Rollar Coaster

Well its here. Like I knew it would be. It's funny how often I predict this and how right I am every time. But I wish I wasn't.

The rollar coaster just stopped right in front of me begging me to go for a ride.

Not this time pal, I've learned my lesson. I'm not gonna test the strengths of gravity anymore. I've seen and felt the conseqences before. Even though it pains me to let the rollar coaster go on with out me, I know I'm saving myself a lot more heartache.

Maybe I will reconsider if I could get something out of it. But who am I kidding, I know I won't. I compromise too much for this damn rollar coaster. It's time the rollar coaster do something for me. Which I truely doubt. And if you, the rollar coaster, chose not to. Then, I'm sorry to sound a bit cliche, but its your loss. You are losing a very loyal and dependable rider who truely loved the rollar coaster just not the ride it offered.

Monday, August 08, 2005

Life and other things

I need some serious help...recently i've been getting this feeling of inadequesy very often. Im getting this feeling that I am going crazy! Now, I figured, maybe I have gone crazy a long time ago! YaAllah help me..... and lead me to the path where I will find inner peace... a rested heart... that's all I am asking for! Like the other day, a friend said, death wouldn't be so bad for we are finally released from all the stress........ but I want to live, with a content heart...

We all want a simple song.
We all want to get along.
We all want to just belong.
We all want to know right from wrong.
We all want to love and be loved strong.

Truth has been confused. Simplicity refused. This trust had been abused.
So how am I to love, and be loved strong?

It's so hard.. sometimes, it feels like, I just need to give up on all this! My dreams.. my future.. my life.. my people.. everything! It will be the only way to keep some sanity and to not cause any pain or put any burden on anyone. Its as if everywhere I go, I cause something to go wrong even if I KNOW i had nothing to do with it, it's always me that the blame falls on. I'm so tired of being everyone's punching bag, the carpet that everyone just walks all over, the person that will do anything for anyone because she is too nice to say no.

Maybe I just need to go to the top of the mountains and have a simple life there...its all crazy, life is so crazy, oh my God, I can't take it anymore!

I hate the feeling of being inadequate. And recently that's all I feel. Not from just one person. From everyone. And it's getting to the point where I just really want to give up on everything. I wish I could just be selfish without feeling guilty, but I really wish I could just accomplish everything just to make everyone around me happy. I wish I had the abilities to do so much more then I'm doing. I try so hard. But nothing I do or am is ever good enough for anyone.

I just wish I could believe in myself. I wish I knew what to do. I wish I didn't feel like such trash that belongs on the side of the road. I'm so scared. So scared of my future and how I make everyone around me so miserable. I just wish, for once, that I could be appreciated for what I am. I am not perfect, I DO have flaws. I DONT know everything. I CANT make everything go right. I DONT control the consequences of other people's actions. I DO have a consious and I DO hurt. I HURT just as much as the next person. I may hide it, but it doesnt mean I don't have feelings. I just dont want to burden anyone with them. I just wish I could be excepted for being myself, my flaws and all without trying to conform to the way everyone around me wants.

It just gets harder and lonlier by the day. Oh Allah, help me find some peace in my heart.

Sunday, August 07, 2005

Ghost of You and Me

What am I supposed to do
With all these blues
Haunting me everywhere
No matter what I do

Watching the candle flicker out
In the evening glow
I can't let go
When will the night be over

I didn't mean to fall in love with you
And baby there's a name
For what you put me through
It isn't love, it's robbery
I'm sleeping with the ghost of you and me

Seen a lot of broken hearts
Go sailing by
Phantom ships lost at sea
And one of them is mine

Raising my glass
I sing a toast to the midnight sky
I wonder why
The stars don't seem to guide me

I didn't mean to fall in love with you
And baby there's a name
For what you put me through
It isn't love, it's robbery
I'm sleeping with the ghost of you and me

The ghost of you and me
When will it set me free
I hear the voices call
Following footsteps down the hall
Trying to save what's left
Of my heart and soul

Watching the candle flicker out
In the evening glow
I can't let go
When will the night be over

I didn't mean to fall in love with you
And baby there's a name
For what you put me through
It isn't love, it's robbery
I'm sleeping with the ghost of you and me

koto robi jolere, keba ankhi melere.

koto robi jolere, keba ankhi melere.

Ok, it was in Bangla, if you are curious to know what it meant, just ask! If you know Banlgla but still don't know what it means, you may ask, too, for we don't use that kind of Bangla in our everyday convesation.

All right, so I had my first Sunday off from work all summer. You would think that I would be delited to have some me, myself and I time. The problem is, I am extremely lethargic when I dont have work or school to keep me busy and when I just dont feel like hanging out with friends, I can't get my lazy butt off the lovely couch, which is situated about 10 feet away from a SONY VEGA TV. It's a big TV with cable, DVDs and stuff with remote controllers THAT WORK.

For good and bad reasons, I am wasting my time looking at the TV and yet not really paying attention. And I am watching the stuff that you get to watch even without cable, like Friends and Everybody loves Raymond re-runs. I don't know if any of you like Raymond, but this sitcom is extremely hilarious. This reminds me of all the Bangladeshi mothers-in-law that are NEVER happy with their daughters-in-law's cooking. Also the fact that these mothers-in-law always think "she ain't good enough for my son," or "she ain't taking care of my beloved son as much as she is supposed to." This is just hilarious. umm... why are men in every culture so cared for?

Oh oh oh... here is a part from a real life conversation between person A (the older cousin), person B (the younger cousin), person C (auntie 1) , and person D (auntie 2).

C: You are wearing a nice shalwar kameez (Indian/Bangladeshi outfit) (directing to A )
D: Her kameez is even prettier... (directing to B)
B: Thanks...(smile)
C: (directing to B) you should let her (meaning A) wear prettier dresses. Once she is married then you can look as pretty as you want.
D: Yeah, she needs to look prettier until she gets married.

So, if anyone is reading and somewhat familiar with the cultural crap of Bangladesh (when it gets down dealing with girls/women): do you see any problem with what the lady is saying to the girls? I found it EXTREMELY offensive. But, it makes me laugh to think that how women disrespect other women. If you don't see what the problem is in the conversation, leave a comment for further elaboration. Boy, don't I just love to watch these aunties trying to make random matchmaking and once you are married they want you to join their league in dissing their poor husbands! tsk tsk... but, it's funny.

All right, I need to get back to That 70's Show: one of my favorite sitcoms.

Saturday, August 06, 2005

A Joke For Your Reading Pleasure

A Joke From the Daily Show.

I don't know why I thought this was funny. . .
At least I can laugh at myself.

After a really good party a man walks into a bar and orders a drink.

Already drunk and delirious, the man turns to the person sitting next to him and says, ''You wanna hear a blonde joke?''

The person replies, ''I am 240 pounds, world kickboxing champion and a natural blonde. My friend is 190 pounds, world judo champion and is a natural blonde. And my other friend is 200 pounds, world arm wrestling champion and is also a natural blonde. Do you still want to tell me that blonde joke?''

The man thinks for a while and replies, ''Not if I have to explain it three times.''


Friday, August 05, 2005

I'm confused. Is pregnancy:

1. Something that makes you powerless, as in the case of this pregnant Washington woman, who a judge decreed could not divorce her abusive husband?


2. A power women wield over men, as in the case of this woman accused of getting pregnant in order to keep a man out of the priesthood?

Jeez. Could we at least have a little consistency in the War on Women?

Thursday, August 04, 2005

Summer Sucks Butt

I've been aggravated lately.

Everything seems to be going exceptionally horrible. I feel as if I am completely useless. What the hell am I complaining about? I don't know!

I think it's because I'm waiting for something to start, but my life is just in limbo right now. I really want school to begin. Although I'm lazy, I like the feeling that somehow I'm working toward something better in life...right now I'm doing so many things, and I'm so busy with everything and it's driving me crazy!

School, although hectic and stressful, gives me a feeling of completeness almost.

I'm kinda like my dad, I'm figuring out--he hates having breaks, he wants to work all the time. And while I like little breaks, this huge 3 month break is killing me. I even took summerschool, and its still killing me. But I still wasn't fullfilled. I started work again at Lady Foot Locker, but that too only took away a few hours. So I started working at a pharmacy. The two jobs and three summer classes took up all my days and most of all my nights. You would think that all that would keep me busy and not do stupid things such as stuff I won't even mention. But most of you know. But for some reason, it wasnt enough for me. I just still found extra hours in the day (maybe from the lack of sleep which probably is adding to my agrivation). NOW I have a third job, the job at the dean's office in the medical school that I was supposed to start during the Fall semester, calling me to say that I have to start ealier then scheduled. So now five of my days starts out like this:

wake up at 6
get ready and leave the house by 8
get to school around 9
class from 9 to 1
work at the office from 1 to 3ish
go straight to work at the pharmacy at 3:30
come home at like 10 and do hw till like 1/2
get to bed like 3

then start it all over again....

and weekends are just filled with work....

Now I feel like I've taken on too much and Im just really starting to lose my mind. On top of that everything is just pissing me off, my friends, my parents, my brother, even my entire existence.

This sucks so much butt.

Man, maybe that's why I'm in a bad mood.

Oh will start soon and maybe I'll regain my sanity.